They should call this show 'Botoxed, Siliconed, Peroxide Blond, Gold Digging Housewives of Orange County'. There is nothing "Real" going on here.....
Anyway, onto Episode 2 Recap. Tamra The Hottest has decided that now that her 20 something year old son Ryan has finally moved out she is going to convert his old bedroom into her home gym. This entails her husband Simon completely destroying every bannister, wall, and stone floor tile in the house while moving each piece of gym equipment. Further crisis ensues when their youngest, Sophia, lets out a blood curdling scream and yells "there is a boogar in my milk!". I screamed too. In fact I screamed again when writing that. Ew. Anyway, upon hearing that Tamra replies with a boisterous "OH. MY. GOD!" and you are thinking, I know right? That is so gross about the you-know-what in your daughter's healthy glass of milk, but Tam is actually reacting to another ding in the bannister Simon has made. Motherly priorities, Coto style....
Next we see Gretchen and Jeff at a Harley Davidson dealership, because Gretchen thinks it's time for her own Harley, of which she has 'zero' experience driving. And, of course, she wants a Malibu Barbie Pink one. We see poor sickly Jeff in the background of each shot as Gretch just hops from bike to bike, asking which one she looks hottest on as she spanks herself in her too-tight bedazzled jeans. Jeff's tired and has hit the wall and asks if he can sit down, of which her Gretcheness allows, but not before he gets his wallet out of his pocket. Jeff withers away to find a shaded bench unassisted, I am thinking, he's going down, he'll never make it, and Gretch just watches him struggle to a seat while she fixes and flips her hair. I kinda have to give Jeff a post-mortum scolding now...honestly Jeff, why would you put up with that?!?!? Okay, RIP now.
Later, we find ourselves at the home of Dennis and Tina, who are being forced to sell their gorgeous Coto home in a short sale. Jeana airs Dennis and Tina's dirty laundry to all of us by explaining if they unload their house in a short sale, the will avoid foreclosure, but will not see a dime from the sale. That is depressing. But Jeana reminds us that she will profit, however, and this sale is better than a bank owned sale of which there are a lot of in Coto at present. Good deals in Coto, my wealthy faithfuls!
Over in San Juan Capistrano, where the Swallows famously migrate to each year, we see Lauri horseback riding with Beb. Their cumulative young children turn into banditos and jump out of the woods demanding $20 each. Actually they offer to wash the horses, but for $20 each. Lauri asks them if they take the Amex Centurion card, of which a minimum annual spending of $250,000 is required to have one. Damn, she talks about that a lot. We get to see Ashley again, Lauri's daughter from one of her three previous marriages, and I am pleased to see that Ashley has better hair extensions than last season. She is also starting her own 'line' of skincare called A2Z, of which, Lauri explains to us, Ashley has no clue about. Excellent support system, there Mom. You jerk.
Now we're off to dinner with Vicki and her hubby Donn, who strangely asks her what her plans are for the summer which I don't understand because they are married. She lists Lake Havasu, Palm Beach, Chicago, and then a cruise as her vacation spots to be visited, and reminds Donn he is not invited to any of those venues. He stutters his sadness about not being included and Vicki just stares at him, and then, to further fuel his fire, she mentions the family BBQ she is planning in Chicago with her ex-husband, Michael. Donn expresses his hatred for Michael and calls him a 'piece of crap' and continues to say how he would love to say that to his face at the BBQ. Gosh I would really like to see that....Anyway, I think Donn and Vicki are that couple that like to pretend they don't like each other but secretly are totally in love and super happy.
The next day we're all off in a limo to Beverly Hills for a day at Sonya Dakar Skin Clinic. The last gold digger to pick up before hitting the road is Gretchen, who lives in an alarmingly small home, smaller than mine even. How did she get into the 'club' I wonder? As she is walking to the limo, which takes forever, Vicki, Lauri, Tamra and Jeana are ripping her apart. There is speculation Gretch enhanced her breasts, warnings of hanging on to your Daddies are shared, and Lauri announces she is so happy and relieved to pass on the gold-digging baton to Gretchen, who deserves it way more than she ever did. WOW. In honest and true Jeana fashion, she confesses to Gretch before she has even had the chance to shut the limo door that it is good she got to the car when she did because of all the back stabbing. As they head north on the freeway, the ladies sip champagne and haze Gretchen as Vicki taps taps taps away on her laptop with her perfectly french manicured nails. I think she isn't really working, I think it's a facade, I think she is just typing "A S D F J K L ; " over and over again.
At Sonya Dakar the ladies are welcomed to a Roof top brunch and more champagne. They toast to being nice with one hand and cross their fingers behind their back with the other. We then cut to commercial for "Garnier Nutrisse Ultra Lift Deep Wrinkle" with Sarah Jessie P. Am def getting that stuff! It’s the Botox for poor people who do all their cosmetics shopping at CVS, live in cold climates and have real boobs!
Back at the spa, the ladies are having the following:
$195 pedicure**
$5o brow shaping,
$225 fitness facial,
$950 oxygen treatment with fitness facial.
**I go to a place in Beacon Hill and can get a mani/pedi for $35, thank you very much.
Lauri leaves early for a family obligation, and a makeup-less Tamra and Gretch are getting two hundy dolla pedicures. Enter Dwight from the Real Housewives of the ATL giving his 'dreadul' face towards Tamra's choice of nail color, red with white polka dots. Well no he didn't, but I wish he did. The girls talk about kids, Gretch wants four kids, and then misses Jeff so she calls him to demand he tell her what he ate today. He whimpers 'french toast' and she says 'okay, BYEEEEEEEEEEE!' She feels bad. He’s so weak and sick and she feels so bad, that’s why she is at the spa, to decompress.
We leave the spa with AGE CONTROL PREVENTATIVE AGING PRODUCTS for all the ladies in to-go bags! Last time I got a to-go bag it was a scoop of tuna salad over iceburg lettuce. : (
Suddenly we are in Briana’s room, where Vicki enters and sings soothingly and quietly “weeee’rrrre ggggooinggg ttttooooo mexxxxxxxx-icooooooo”, not like last year’s screeching twenty times “WE’REGOINGTOMEXICO!!!” as if it were all one word. Michael just got back from Costa Rica and is thinking about bailing on Mexico. Brianna’s been throwing up all night and now she doesn’t want to go. Vicki is pissed and doesn’t want to be embarrassed….she forces her kids to go get ready and drops a couple of F bombs in the process. She seeks comfort in her pug, the only of her family members that loves her, and the pug abruptly gags in her face. Hilarious. Briana needs pepto.
++NEXT TUESDAY ONE OF THE WIVES SAYS GOODBYE TO THE SHOW! WHO IS IT GOING TO BE?
It's that time of year again, when everyone starts clammering about, determining what exactly they will do to ring in the new year. New Year's Eve has never tickled my fancy....there is always insurmountable pressure to do something fabulous, like attend a black-tie ball, or score reservations at some uber trendy hot spot where the prix fixe menu is just mediocre and overpriced, or you pack yourself into a bar that is four deep with people trying to order drinks, of which you have to wait for forever because the bar staff is knee deep and so you order two at a time and then are double fisted and that creeps up on you and the next thing you know you are tanksiesd but can't go home because there are no cabs in sight. Yeah, so not a fan of this particular Eve.
....whoops I mean #18. The ultra Conservative-Baptist Duggar family, stars of '17 and Counting' on TLC, welcomed baby Jordyn-Grace Makiya over night in.....surprise!....Arkansas. Jim-Bob and Michelle 'The Clown Car' Duggar welcome their EIGHTEENTH child, who joins siblings Joshua (& wife Anna), Jana & John-David (twins), Jill, Jessa, Jinger, Joseph, Josiah, Joy-Anna, Jedidiah & Jeremiah (twins), Jason, James, Justin, Jackson, Johannah, and Jennifer.
I use that phrase from Andy Williams' song a lot, I know. But come December 13, I will be humming that tune happily to myself as I mosey my way up to Boylston Street for the Annual 'Santa's in Speedos' Charity Run. This is a sight to behold, and if you haven't seen it, I suggest making every effort to this year. Every participant truly defines holiday 'cheer'.......and, is too sauced and happy to worry about shrinkage.
very undignified and un-patriotish, cryin for his mama.
