Pirates, say Cheeeeeese!!

Okay, now I knew 'piracy' was a problem but I didn't know they still call them Pirates. I just can't take it seriously, I am sorry. They should call them Terrorists, because the whole 'Pirate' thing completely throws me off. I think of Johnny Depp, or Keith Richards. Plus, the breeder where we are getting our puppy from named this litter after Pirates, and she calls the litter 'The Pirate Horde'. So, everytime I hear the news say that the Pirates have captured another cargo ship, I imagine the litter of seven 5-week-old yellow lab puppies storming the ship with little eye patches on, stopping to piddle hear and there, and falling all over each other. It's very poor timing for the pirate litter to be named after pirates. It's confusing me and makes me giggle a little.

And why do the Pirates look so happy in the above pictures? (you can't tell in the pic size above....go to this link to see better: http://www.boston.com/bigpicture/2009/03/pirates_of_somalia.html

They are posing and smiling, even whilst surrendering? I just think if these guys are going to have the audacity to call themselves Pirates than they should make themselves look scarier.

Real Housewives of New York Photo Recap

Holy Jesum Crowbars.....I shouldn't have taken that hit of acid before I got here. I can't handle thissssssssss
Okay seriously Jill. The acid is turning on me. Are you Liberace? Am I Liberace? Where is Versace? Oh. God. Kill me. Shoot me now.

Girls, after I make this shot I am going to discuss with you the importance of maintaining self esteem. Wait we have a question from our group....girl in the blue shirt, go ahead? Oh hahahaha no no no NO my love....you won't be a model unless you lose all of that weight! Okay, now, onto the importance of having self esteem. Who has it? I do! Did I tell you I am a Countess?

Luann: Oh my love, when is Simon going to realize he is GAY?

Bethenny: For rizzle, yo. Shoot me. Kill me now.

Alex: I hope Simon isn't too tired for the leather harness tonight....

I know I can't believe it either! A Countess! Wearing a bedazzled skull & crossbones shirt! It's a hoot, yes?!?

I'd rather be shopping.

I find this annoying. I am very very annoyed. Look at Simon, he has no depth. I find him to be fake. He's very very fake. I find this to be very annoying, I do.....

The Snoring Puppy

This is a pup that was born at the same breeder we are getting our pup from. And man, can this baby snore! Hope ours does too, because it's really cute. He/she can snore harmoniously with Dad, because he is really good at snoring too.

RHofNY Tonight!

hummenah hummenah hummenah hummenah hummenah

Tonight we see the unveiling of Jill's redecorated condo on the Uppah East Suyde of ManHATTTtan. Bethenny is the first to see it and compares it to being on an acid trip, and walks around, mouth agape, repeating over and over again "I'm processing all of it".

If anyone should ever walk into my home and say "I'm processing all of it" I am burning my house down immediately.

Tonight we also get to see the Countess give a pep talk to the Boys & Girls Club, about what? About being a Countess of course! But this episode was filmed pre-divorce from her Not-An-Old-Man husband the Count, as we all know now he has since left her for an Ethiopian hottie.

In addition to the tah-dah condo decor reveal (compliments of Timothy Leary), we also find out who Jill has chosen for her doubles partner in the match against Mario and Ramona. Lest ye forget that this is the match that is going to save the universe from exploding, apparantely. I bet she gets Monica Seles. Monica is very familiar with back-stabbing so she would fit right in with the Real Housewives of New York!

News. BIG NEWS!

A puppy from the 'Pirate' litter, born Feb. 26, 2009
The Proud Parents, Mango and Buzz

a.k.a. the Tom & Gisele of Yellow Labs

Looks like we are going to be new parents come end of April. Except not to a human, to a puppy! After what seems like 100 years of discussion, we have decided to take the plunge and adopt. We found a woman who breeds the most amazing yellow labs ever. EVER. I will keep you posted, nothing is carved in stone just yet, but looks like this is FINALLY going to happen! I have to get the nursery ready......

The 5 Top Things Kelly Would Say To Bethenny. If She Were Made Of Wax.

I just came across this positively hilarious photo of Kelly Bensimon and Bethenny Frankel, in which Kelly is her usual toothy tanny self, and Bethenny is trying with all her ferocious natural food loving might to pretend she is made of wax. Here is a list of the top five things Kelly would say to Bethenny's wax figure, if Madame Tussauds ever creates one:

I think it inappropriate to be confrontational in public, so meet me at a bar at 7:00 so I can scream at you in public.

Bethenny, stand up when I talk to you!

Just saying Hi in the event one day you become famous, rich or both!

Let's keep our private lives private and go maniacally obsess about our hatred of each other to Page Six!

Remember when you told everyone I should act like I'm in my 40's? What 40's? I'm not in my 40's ohmyhahaha Bethenny maybe you ARE funny!

Real Catfight of New York

There is so much more to what happened on last night's Real Housewives of New York that I simply can't touch upon it all. Basically, in a nut shell, everyone fought with everyone else about who between all of them sucked more. It was like watching a 20 car pile-up on the Interstate. You didn't want to watch, yet you couldn't pull your eyes away.

Below I have done a photo recap of my fave catfight of the night, between Bethenny and Kelly. Bethenny remained as cool as the other side of the pillow, while Kelly flew into rages and reamined as incoherent and nonsensical as is humanly possible. I think she was on coke or was heavily doused in gin, I am not sure, but judging by what was coming out of her mouth in addition to the cashmere off the shoulder mini-dress she paired with pink rubber gardening boots, I think inebriation of some sort is her only excuse.

Here is my version of what happened, which I swear to you is pretty much what DID happen, except in my own words:

You're Late
Ohhhh reeeeallllaaayyyy, Bethenny? Honnnesstttllaaayyy is that what you think? Because I said meet me at 7:00 and it's now past 7:30, so I'm not late. You think you're so funny.

I never said I was funny. And you're late.

Ohhhh rreeeallllaayyyy, hhonnnessstttlllaayyyy? You are so beneath me. This is you (hand gestured way down low) and this is me (hand gestured way up high). Because I'm better than you.

Why do you get to be the higher hand? Because you're taller?

Ohhhh reeeeallllaaayyy, hhhonnnessttlllaaayyy Bethenny, you're not funny, just get in your head that we will never be friends, got it?

Correct

Ha! Haha! HAHAHAAAA!!! OMG! Littterrralllaaayyy, you are so beneath me so, stop begging! Noone thinks you're funny! We will NEVER EVER EVER be friends.

Fine with me.

Fine with ME!

I'm rubber and you're glue.

I'M rubber and YOU'RE glue!

OMG seriously?

OMG seriousssllllaaayyyy???

Kelly Bensimon is an inauthentic bitch.

Kelly Bensimon is a.......Oh HAHAHA very funny Bethenny!

Told ya I was funny.

You know whhhaaatttt???? I have to go. I have a date. A DATE. With an Italian. Have a nice life.
Elvis has left the building.