Last night's finale to a shockingly short season of Real Housewives of New Jersey did not disappoint. After 6 weeks of anticipation and previews of this episode, it was finally here. I was like a kid in a candy store, or, more suitable to this story, I was like a kid in Lexi's candy drawer.
There was so much to absorb this episode, I mean SO MUCH. I had a hard time wrapping my arms around all of it, the drama, the chaos, the gossip. What I DID manage to come to terms with, is that all of these women acted like idiots. Teresa clearly drank too much and lost her filter, Danielle chose an inappropriate time to air her grievances concerning 'the book', Dina was quick on the defense and brash, and Caroline showed us she is not always Mommy Theresa, but sometimes Mommy Dearest. Jacqueline surprised us all by sort of being the hero of the episode. I was happy to see that she did, in fact, actually have a spine.
The evening started out at a dinner party hosted by Teresa, who was also debuting her new bubbies. I must admit they looked good, and yes, she did need them terribly. Prior to her augmentation she was as flat as the table she flipped later on in the evening, but I am getting ahead of myself. So, Danielle chose the dinner party to bring out 'the book' the article of fodder that has been the reason for so much gossiping and fingerpointing at Chateau, Art of Beauty, Franklin Lakes apparent only hair salon. She just slapped it on the table in front of everyone and gasps and bugged out eyes ensued all around her. Noone really knew what to say as Danielle smarmily sipped from her champagne glass, waiting for reactions. This was her way of saying THIS IS ON LIKE DONKEY KONG, BITCHES! Danielle wanted to clear the air and state there are only two truths to 'the book'....that she changed her name and got arrested. But the other allegations of her being a prostitute, a coke whore, a swinger, a stripper, a kidnapper, an accomplice with the Columbia Drug Cartel, and an embezzler are all untrue.
So the ladies should've just appeased her and said FINE, MOVE ON, right?
So the ladies should've just appeased her and said FINE, MOVE ON, right?
WRAWNGK.
Uncomfortable accusations were thrown, yelling progressed to inaudible levels, and Caroline voted herself moderator, a skill she clearly learned from her BFF, Bernie Kerik. I must say she did an excellent job in this role. FOR NOW....
Danielle was clearly directing her wrath at Dina, who in return became defensive and would not put up with insinuations that she was responsible for spreading gossip about Danielle at Chateau, Art of Beauty. Danielle and Dina la-la-la-la-llloaaath each other, and it got ugly. Danielle choked up at this point and let Dina know that because of her alleged gossiping, she was stuck at home worrying with DIARRHEA.
WHOA!!! I myself have never had 'worry' diarrhea. And if I did, I would not admit it, especially at a dinner party. On national television.
Anyway, after the diarrhea announcement, lots of 'do not interrupt me!'s were tossed back and forth until Mommy Caroline stepped in and told her sister to shut up and wait her turn. I did not expect that from Caroline and appreciated her ability to try to maintain a civil and adult discussion. FOR NOW....
Not sure what happened and with whom, but at this point everyone was screaming and waving their french tipped fingers, and all hell had officially broken out. That is the moment when Neutral Moderator Mommy Caroline began the speech that I have been waiting for all season:
"LEMME TELL YOU A SOMETHING ABOUT MY FAMILY", and as she said this I clapped my hands together maniacally like one of those monkey toys holding cymbals. YES! The moment I have been waiting for, I couldn't hold in my excitement to hear the rest of her speech! As Caroline finished sounding quite like the Godfather, she dropped the MOTHA. OF. AWLL. BAWMBS:
She was responsible for spreading the gossip at Chateau, Art of Beauty! Not Dina! My maniacal clapping stopped at this point quite abruptly and my mouth fell right to the floor. Caroline bruised Danielle's already slutty and dispicable reputation!?!? At the CHATEAU!?!? Insert record scratch noise here.
Danielle wasn't buying this story, she claimed Caroline was just 'takin one for her sistah'. Which could be true, since the Manzo's are as thick as thieves, blood is thicker than water, so you wouldn't rat out ya sistah, wouldya Caroline? This was very Jersey of her. Very mafia. I llloove herrrr for it!
It was at this point that the always sweet, kind and unbiased Jacqueline lost it. Apparantely the Manzo's are NOT as thick as thieves because Jackie threw her sister-in-laws right under the bus with claims that she witnessed the two of them at Chateau, Art of Beauty spewing details from 'the book'. BAM! Now Caroline and Dina were screaming at Jacqs for being disloyal while she screamed back something about being truthful and she heard what she heard, from them, at Chateau, Art of Beauty. The Manzo girls were in a full blow-out, which was really terrible, so terrible that even Danielle regretted starting it. Noticeably silent Teresa chirped in at this point, expressing her skepticism that the stories about Danielle in 'the book' could be true, and sort of had to be true. Otherwise why would they be in 'the book'? Danielle held up her hand and tossed an insult at Teresa that caught everyone off guard, with a nasty and enunciated "PAY ATTENTION".
Oh hell to the marble covered NO.
Teresa completely lost it at this point. And I knew, and you knew what was coming.
The TABLE FLIP.
Again I was wound up and clapping my hands all monkey-with-cymbal style!!
Teresa turned into a mad woman, not sure if they injected RAGE into her new bubbies but boy did she go over the deep end. She slammed her hands down on the flat table, invoking memories of when her chest/bubbie area felt like that and flew into a fit like I've never seen. Undecipherable things were screamed, and then, and only then, did she choose to flip the table.
YESSSSSSSSSS!!!! I was so happy!
I understood the word "WHORE" come out of her mouth as her hubby Joe jumped up to restrain her. Oh, did I mention that there were children in the room at the time of this event? I am sure Danielle's worry diarrhea was back at this point. Onto the photo recap:
Dina: It's lingerie. For your new bubbies
Teresa: But they're not marble. Or onyx. What am I supposed to do these won't match my house?
Danielle: Lookin good Albie.
Danielle: Lookin good Joe
Teresa: You girls like havin fun? Mumma's just gonna flip this table and then we'll go shoppin and have some fun, it'll be juicy and delicious.
Dina: What are you, from CYPRUS Danielle?!? Is that why you had the diarrhea? From the water park in CYPRUS!?!? I cannot stomach you. Or Cyprus.
Jojo: YES YES YES here it comes, here it COMES!!!!
Caroline: Let me tell you a somethin about my family!!
Caroline: We are as thick as thieves
Caroline: Wait....did you just say you had diarrhea? Well let me tell you a something abou that, Bernie Kerik is my best friend.
Dina: Grandma Wrinkles had diarrhea too, my hand to GOD
Teresa: Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you! Thank you. Thank you very much. Wow I'm drunk.
Jacqueline: Christopher what should we do?
Christopher: Nothin just act like your boring usual self and then we'll go buy Ashley something expensive that she doesn't deserve
Jacqueline: This stuff never happens at Pampered Chef parties.
Teresa: I'm gonna have to buy Gia a set of these......
Caroline: Well we wasted all our times hangin with a criminal low life like Danielle. I only hangs with upstanding members of the community, like Bernie Kerik.
Dina: Diarrhea....I gave Danielle diarrhea.....that is SO Cyprus....
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