Jon & Kate Plus Hate

Well, the Gosselin's have sadly decided to call it a day. I have thought of a number of possible titles for their show, since "Jon & Kate Plus 8" isn't really appropiate anymore.

• Lawyer's Dream Clients Plus 8
• Richer Together, But It's Too Late
• Jon Plus 8, But Every Other Weekend
• Kate Plus 8, Every Day But Two Weekends A Month
• The Kate Hater Plus 8
• MULTIPLE BLES8INGS Plus MULTIPLE ALIMONY 8ILLS
• Jon & Kate Separ8
• Mady Can't Have Any Water
  

We shall see what happens!!!

Rainy Day Activity...Ahhhhh Memories.

As Karen Carpenter once said, rainy days always get me down. I agree, Karen (RIP!), and so my solution to rainy day doldrums is to reflect upon the better times and flip through old pictures of all those sunny fun days. I thought I would share some with you.

Topsfield Fair Shooting Range. I am a regular Annie Oakley.

Our gorgeous puppy, Gracie, after a day of swimming, looking at Niagara Falls and walking around the park. She was passed out cold.

After one too many drinks my friends and I came upon a man who quite like us also had one too many drinks. We all took our turns posing with him, which I feel bad about now. But alas, he did not know. Notice the can of beer in his hands as he gently naps next to me.

The day I went fishing with my brothers and boyfriend in Maine. This is the fish I caught. Please note this is the only fish caught that day, and the sad thing is, it didn't bite the bait, I hooked it's side (notice the wound) and reeled it in that way. Fishie was caught and immediately released.

My best friend from college and I cleaning her new ski house in Vermont. I decided it best to go to Kmart and purchase 'cleaning outfits' to better enjoy our tasks at hand.

We spoke in thick Russian accents and cleaned cleaned cleaned. Notice the nude knee-highs.

Enjoying a Mai Tai in Waikiki. I miss Hawaii.

I had the pleasure of meeting the largest boys I have ever seen in my life while in Hawaii. They were brothers, and could have crushed me in between the two of them like a walnut. Alas, I escaped unscathed.

Halloween. I am a witch. And we drank out of these fun nose cups.

A smelly elevator at a Red Sox game. Notice my friends JP and Joe, visibly overcome by said fumes. I am unaffected and can be seen looking quite pleased in the lower left corner.

My friend Sarah and I after purchasing the same Red Sox flip flops. After this, we took a rickshaw cab to Back Bay and proceeded drinking in our matching shoes.

Me and Steve enjoying the company of the Boston College mascot. This is a big deal for me to have stood so close to a mascot, as I fear them immensely. This was a very hot day in Florida and the mascot was cooled by ice packs throughout his/her costume. Editors Note: Am still scared of mascots.

Here I am in the depths of the Amazon. Just kidding! I was in Florida. This was an oasis of tranquility.

Me trying to be one of the boys, joining my brothers and boyfriend in a frenzy of cigar smoking. Mine remained unlit, as it simply did not match the image I was going for, seeing how I was decked from head to toe in J. Crew.

This is me rounding first base at Fenway Park. It's true. Except it wasn't a baseball game it was The Police concert.

Lo! My first home grown tomato! It was also my last, as local varmint insisted upon feeding from my precious tomato plants. This was the happiest tomato moment of my life.

The hat I made for my darling friend Olive, on her birthday. She was not pleased.

A sign at a gas station in Petaluma, California. I had to pay 25 cents to use the facilities.

And I was honestly horrified and disgusted by the expensive facilities. Clearly the 25 cents is going in someone's pocket and it's not Mr. Clean's.

This is me channeling my inner Frauleine Maria, as I greet the Pacific Ocean at the Sonoma Coast.

Ahhhh, the deliciousness of sparkling wine at a California vineyard.

Shucking my own oysters at Hog Island Oyster Company in the middle of nowhere California. This was the best discovery ever made whilst driving around aimlessly.

Oakville Grocery is the most amazing grocery experience I've ever had.

What we bought from Oakville Grocery for lunch. Olives, cheeses, meats, french bread and Pepsi in the bottle. It was the most delicious lunch, and we ate it in the shade of enormous rosemary bushes. As Ina says, Now THAT'S a party!

Our Laverne & Shirley moment, as we toured a winery in Napa Valley. This is in the bottling plant, where I believe Laverne & Shirley also worked.

A kiss at the Golden Gate. The bridge can be seen in the upper right hand corner, under a blissful blanket of fog.

In a cell at Alcatraz. I do not find this photo funny. This was creepy.

Ding Ding Ding goes the trolley! I loved hanging off the cable cars in San Francisco. Unbeknownst to me that man is standing on the other side of the car, ruining my moment and my picture. He will forever be a part of this memory, that jerk, but it I am hopeful that someone was simultaneously photographing him, and I am in HIS shot.

I was quite happy in this hat.

New Bubbies, Bernie Kerik, Rage at Dinner Parties & Uncomfortable Table Flips. Housewives PHOTO RECAP!

Last night's finale to a shockingly short season of Real Housewives of New Jersey did not disappoint. After 6 weeks of anticipation and previews of this episode, it was finally here. I was like a kid in a candy store, or, more suitable to this story, I was like a kid in Lexi's candy drawer.

There was so much to absorb this episode, I mean SO MUCH. I had a hard time wrapping my arms around all of it, the drama, the chaos, the gossip. What I DID manage to come to terms with, is that all of these women acted like idiots. Teresa clearly drank too much and lost her filter, Danielle chose an inappropriate time to air her grievances concerning 'the book', Dina was quick on the defense and brash, and Caroline showed us she is not always Mommy Theresa, but sometimes Mommy Dearest. Jacqueline surprised us all by sort of being the hero of the episode. I was happy to see that she did, in fact, actually have a spine.

The evening started out at a dinner party hosted by Teresa, who was also debuting her new bubbies. I must admit they looked good, and yes, she did need them terribly. Prior to her augmentation she was as flat as the table she flipped later on in the evening, but I am getting ahead of myself. So, Danielle chose the dinner party to bring out 'the book' the article of fodder that has been the reason for so much gossiping and fingerpointing at Chateau, Art of Beauty, Franklin Lakes apparent only hair salon. She just slapped it on the table in front of everyone and gasps and bugged out eyes ensued all around her. Noone really knew what to say as Danielle smarmily sipped from her champagne glass, waiting for reactions. This was her way of saying THIS IS ON LIKE DONKEY KONG, BITCHES! Danielle wanted to clear the air and state there are only two truths to 'the book'....that she changed her name and got arrested. But the other allegations of her being a prostitute, a coke whore, a swinger, a stripper, a kidnapper, an accomplice with the Columbia Drug Cartel, and an embezzler are all untrue.

So the ladies should've just appeased her and said FINE, MOVE ON, right?

WRAWNGK.

Uncomfortable accusations were thrown, yelling progressed to inaudible levels, and Caroline voted herself moderator, a skill she clearly learned from her BFF, Bernie Kerik. I must say she did an excellent job in this role. FOR NOW....

Danielle was clearly directing her wrath at Dina, who in return became defensive and would not put up with insinuations that she was responsible for spreading gossip about Danielle at Chateau, Art of Beauty. Danielle and Dina la-la-la-la-llloaaath each other, and it got ugly. Danielle choked up at this point and let Dina know that because of her alleged gossiping, she was stuck at home worrying with DIARRHEA.

WHOA!!! I myself have never had 'worry' diarrhea. And if I did, I would not admit it, especially at a dinner party. On national television.

Anyway, after the diarrhea announcement, lots of 'do not interrupt me!'s were tossed back and forth until Mommy Caroline stepped in and told her sister to shut up and wait her turn. I did not expect that from Caroline and appreciated her ability to try to maintain a civil and adult discussion. FOR NOW....

Not sure what happened and with whom, but at this point everyone was screaming and waving their french tipped fingers, and all hell had officially broken out. That is the moment when Neutral Moderator Mommy Caroline began the speech that I have been waiting for all season:

"LEMME TELL YOU A SOMETHING ABOUT MY FAMILY", and as she said this I clapped my hands together maniacally like one of those monkey toys holding cymbals. YES! The moment I have been waiting for, I couldn't hold in my excitement to hear the rest of her speech! As Caroline finished sounding quite like the Godfather, she dropped the MOTHA. OF. AWLL. BAWMBS:

She was responsible for spreading the gossip at Chateau, Art of Beauty! Not Dina! My maniacal clapping stopped at this point quite abruptly and my mouth fell right to the floor. Caroline bruised Danielle's already slutty and dispicable reputation!?!? At the CHATEAU!?!? Insert record scratch noise here.

Danielle wasn't buying this story, she claimed Caroline was just 'takin one for her sistah'. Which could be true, since the Manzo's are as thick as thieves, blood is thicker than water, so you wouldn't rat out ya sistah, wouldya Caroline? This was very Jersey of her. Very mafia. I llloove herrrr for it!

It was at this point that the always sweet, kind and unbiased Jacqueline lost it. Apparantely the Manzo's are NOT as thick as thieves because Jackie threw her sister-in-laws right under the bus with claims that she witnessed the two of them at Chateau, Art of Beauty spewing details from 'the book'. BAM! Now Caroline and Dina were screaming at Jacqs for being disloyal while she screamed back something about being truthful and she heard what she heard, from them, at Chateau, Art of Beauty. The Manzo girls were in a full blow-out, which was really terrible, so terrible that even Danielle regretted starting it. Noticeably silent Teresa chirped in at this point, expressing her skepticism that the stories about Danielle in 'the book' could be true, and sort of had to be true. Otherwise why would they be in 'the book'? Danielle held up her hand and tossed an insult at Teresa that caught everyone off guard, with a nasty and enunciated "PAY ATTENTION".

Oh hell to the marble covered NO.

Teresa completely lost it at this point. And I knew, and you knew what was coming.

The TABLE FLIP.

Again I was wound up and clapping my hands all monkey-with-cymbal style!!

Teresa turned into a mad woman, not sure if they injected RAGE into her new bubbies but boy did she go over the deep end. She slammed her hands down on the flat table, invoking memories of when her chest/bubbie area felt like that and flew into a fit like I've never seen. Undecipherable things were screamed, and then, and only then, did she choose to flip the table.

YESSSSSSSSSS!!!! I was so happy!

I understood the word "WHORE" come out of her mouth as her hubby Joe jumped up to restrain her. Oh, did I mention that there were children in the room at the time of this event? I am sure Danielle's worry diarrhea was back at this point. Onto the photo recap:

Dina: It's lingerie. For your new bubbies

Teresa: But they're not marble. Or onyx. What am I supposed to do these won't match my house?

Danielle: Lookin good Albie.

Danielle: Lookin good Joe

Teresa: You girls like havin fun? Mumma's just gonna flip this table and then we'll go shoppin and have some fun, it'll be juicy and delicious.

Dina: What are you, from CYPRUS Danielle?!? Is that why you had the diarrhea? From the water park in CYPRUS!?!? I cannot stomach you. Or Cyprus.

Jojo: YES YES YES here it comes, here it COMES!!!!

Caroline: Let me tell you a somethin about my family!!

Caroline: We are as thick as thieves

Caroline: Wait....did you just say you had diarrhea? Well let me tell you a something abou that, Bernie Kerik is my best friend.

Dina: Grandma Wrinkles had diarrhea too, my hand to GOD

Teresa: Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you! Thank you. Thank you very much. Wow I'm drunk.

Jacqueline: Christopher what should we do?

Christopher: Nothin just act like your boring usual self and then we'll go buy Ashley something expensive that she doesn't deserve

Jacqueline: This stuff never happens at Pampered Chef parties.

Teresa: I'm gonna have to buy Gia a set of these......

Caroline: Well we wasted all our times hangin with a criminal low life like Danielle. I only hangs with upstanding members of the community, like Bernie Kerik.

Dina: Diarrhea....I gave Danielle diarrhea.....that is SO Cyprus....

Gisele Bundchen's Rings & Super $$ Hooker Shoes

Finally, we get a glimpse at Gisele's bling. Tom and G have been married since February yet she is never photographed wearing her engagement or wedding rings. Her accessory of choice has been Tom's son, Jack. But finally she wore the rings to a Rainforest Benefit. The engagement ring is reported to be a 4 carat round brilliant diamond on a four prong setting, and the wedding band is a simple thin band with Pave diamonds. I must say they are very understated and tasteful. I approve.

Also, I would like for someone to explain to me why these horrific hooker shoes are so damn expensive!?!? And on sale nonetheless for $394.80.

This is AWESOME

BEFORE JAIL:

AFTER JAIL:

I know! I can't believe it either, I thought it was real too........

New Update on My Soon To Be New Face

So, as most of you know, I have a lovely skin cancer on my face that is enorms and has to be savagely cut out of before it takes over completely. It is at this point in my blog that I would like to remind you all of the importance of wearing sunblock. WEAR IT DAMMIT!!! I always did and looked what happened to me. And at such a tender age, shame shame shame.

I met with the surgeon yesterday (whose name BTW is Jessica) so she could give me the lowdown on what is going to happen. Everything she told me I had already learned via the magic of Google. Which I suggest you never do or else you will FREAK THE F OUT. It was stupid of me but I was curious. So, I am having what is called MOHS Surgery. Reminder, do not Google it. Just trust me.

So as Jessie and I sat together, going over all the scenarios, good and bad, it is then that she dropped the biggest bomb of all. One I never expected Jessie to hit me with.

I CANNOT EAT, DRINK, OR SPEAK, SMILE OR LAUGH FOR ONE WEEK AFTER SURGERY.

Everything I stand for, everything I represent, everything that is MOI, is surrounded by my exceptional ability to eat, drink and speak. And smiling and laughing? It is impossible for me not to do those things.

I have decided that during that silent and emotionless week of August 3 that I will be blogging to you, everyday, all day. What else is there for me to do? So I ask you to start sending me suggestions of things you would like to read about. I will compile my list and therefore have something to look foward to as I recover from monster to madame in my silent dark and lonely cave.

: ( That's a frown. Something I will not be able to do August 3- August 10.

We Have A Ghost

We have lived in our house for over a year with nothing at all remarkable happening to us that would insinuate a ghostly presence. However, in the past two weeks we have found that our bed is continually being moved, approximately 6 inches from the wall the headboard is up against. I know it might not sound alarming, however, when my strong as an ox boyfriend moves the bed back to where it should rest (which is no easy task, mind you, it is quite a heavy wood framed mission style bed), we find it hours later, again moved 6 inches away from the wall.

Terrific.

Now, attached to our bedroom is a second room, which was originally meant to be a nursery back in the day, and that day was a LONG time ago, as our house was constructed in 1810. George Washington probably slept at our house, that's how old it is. Since there is no baby in our future, we opted to either make this room into a) an office, or, b) a walk-in closet. Since I am a girl and we both have a lot of clothes (and by 'we' I mean HIM), we decided to make the room into a closet. It houses my dresser, a desk, and modular Califonia Closet type installations. I am telling you all of this for a reason, so don't stop reading!!! STAY WITH ME.

Gracie, our yellow lab puppy, came home with us 5 weeks ago. Three weeks after her arrival in our home, SHIT STARTED GOIN DOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWNNNNN. In addition to our bed mysteriously moving, Gracie stares into the closet room from our bedroom, as if in a trance, mesmerized by whatever she is looking at. And, when I enter the closet room, she cries. She cries and whines and whimpers.

GOOSE BUMPS!!!!

I have come up with three reasons for said haunting. They are as follows:

1.) The room is messy, I'll be honest. Clothes strewn everywhere, laundry has accumulated that needs to be both put away and washed, etc. Perhaps our ghost is annoyed that I have let the room go. Well I am sorry but between working and puppy training/playing I have not had the time or energy to clean. If ghost wants to be such a jerk about it, then maybe ghost could help out a bit and put some of the stuff away while I am at work, or perhaps do a load of laundry. It wouldn't kill him or her, considering he or she is already dead.

2.) There is a Carbon Monoxide detector directly under the bed on the floor. When the bed mysteriously arrives 6 inches from where it should be, the Carbon Monoxide detector is exposed. Perhaps the batteries are gone and the ghost is warning me as an encouragement to buying new ones?

3.) Gracie. Perhaps the ghost is annoyed we have added to our family with our little canine friend. He or she is a little angry, and feels inconvenienced by this new presence that is always in the house, whereas before, our ghost had free reign at all times, with no distruptions.

I also found this bit of info from a paranormal website that explains hauntings:

They apparently can create odors, make sounds and move things and this is to gain your attention. As humans, we are famous for being afraid of new things. This entity is simply a human spirit who will retain the same personality they had in life. Some are nice, some are mean, but rarely are they evil, and certainly nothing like the evil entities that are born on the Hollywood screen. They are can be anywhere and if they are real then they most likely are. They can cause hot and cold spots, feelings of being watched, sounds and smells as well as disruptions with any electrical appliances; radios, TV s, computers, washers and dryers, etc. You may even feel them touch you lightly, or hear moving furniture from another room. They will try to get your attention, and in so doing, could frighten you, but I do not believe that is their intention. Maybe they are trying to pass on a message or warning, or simply want you to know they are there. In any case acknowledge them, talk to them as you would a friend and they will be satisfied. If they frighten you, in most cases if you simply tell them they are doing so, they will stop. Always remember, they are just like us and will usually respect you as long as you respect them.

I will clean tonight, and buy new batteries. Ghost is going to have to get used to Gracie, as she is here to stay. I will try to reassure ghost that it is okay if he/she is in our house, however, it is not okay to keep scratching up our hardwood floors by constantly moving the bed. I will keep you all posted.