My 'OMG' Public Service Announcement

It is both safe and very fair of me to say that August has been the worst month in the creation of all months for me. I got into my nasty go-cart accident and then had to have surgery to remove the gorgeous skin cancer that has been brewing on my face for several years. What I thought would be a relatively easy procedure ended up being a NIGHTMARE. What I had was MOHS Surgery. It was a lengthy procedure which required 20 shots of local anesthetic in my face and lots of patience. The first two hours the cancer surgeon removed my tumor, and the last two and a half hours the plastic surgeon came in and repaired all the damage the cancer surgeon did.

IT.

WAS.

AWFULLLLLLL.

Please, PLEASE, if you see a spot that you question, go to the Dermatologist IMMEDIATELY. Wear sunscreen. SPF 50 and reapply it every 2 hours otherwise it's as if you're not wearing any protection at all. I waited years upon years to have my 'tumor' looked at. I thought it was a mole. At this time I would like to thank the handful of doctors in the past 8 years who looked at it and said "It's nothing." You can all go to hell, seriously. Because had I had this done years ago, I wouldn't have had to go through the nasty surgery.

Me, Post-Op. 30 stitches. Tremendous swelling, not to mention the amount of pain I endured. It felt like I was being stabbed by a scalding hot steak knife for several hours after the operation, and Vicodin didn't help even though I took quite a few of them. My liver is probably in distress because of the amount I took that day but I digress.....
Three Days after Surgery. The swelling has gone down considerably but I am still totally Les Mis (my saying for MISERABLE).

I will keep you posted! More photos to follow, to show you the progress my face is making. I look like the bride of Frankenstein, but I hope not forever.

WEAR SUNSCREEN!!!

I'm Back from my Back!

Apologies for my absence. I was on vacation several weeks ago and got into a nasty Go-Cart accident and have been recovering from a back injury sustained in said Go-Cart. It's embarassing that that is the vessel in which I hurt myself. I wish it could be a skydiving accident, or surfing, or something cool like that that has kept me away from my precious blog, however, it was a Go-Cart. And, tomorrow I go in for my skin cancer surgery so I will have lots of time to blog fun things, including my procedure, so you have that to look forward to YAYYYYY!!!! Now, onto my blog of the day:

TLC has had enough of Jon Gosselin's antics with the constant garbing of the Ed Harby T-shirts. Realizing that the Ed Hardy company is paying Jon to don the shirts on his show "Jon & Kate Plus 8" for free advertising, TLC had decided to blur the shirts out entirely.

It appears Kate's getting lots more TLC from TLC than Jon is.

douchie-douche

Why? Why do this?

Marty S. (I have changed her name....you'll know exactly who I am talking about as you continue reading) has truly lost her mind with this one. Below you will find a recipe for "S'mores Squares", a traditional and delightful campfire snack that usually takes about 30 seconds to prepare, however, Marty has somehow managed to create a S'mores recipe that requires a full 24 hour preparation. And it only makes 9 pieces! Bitch is outta her mind.....my comments in red.

Hmmm. They do look like a Good Thing.

(Makes 9)
Vegetable oil, for brushing
4 packages unflavored gelatin
3 1/4 cups granulated sugar
1 1/4 cups light corn syrup
1/4 teaspoon salt
2 teaspoons pure vanilla extract
1 1/2 cups confectioners' sugar
7 tablespoons unsalted butter, melted, plus 6 tablespoons room temperature, plus more for pan

so now you have to wait for some of the butter to get to room temp. that takes about 6 hours.
14 graham crackers, crushed to yield 1 1/2 cups crumbs

an annoying process, crushing graham crackers. i have done it and it's not that easy believe it or not
12 ounces semisweet chocolate, chopped into 1/2-inch pieces

of course they have to be in 1/2" pieces. cut them into 1/4" 0r 3/4" pieces and the whole thing is ruined, RUINED I TELL YOU.

Directions
-Brush a 9-by-13-inch glass baking dish with vegetable oil. Cut a piece of parchment or wax paper large enough to cover the bottom of the dish and to overhang the longer sides. Place the parchment in dish, brush with oil, and set dish aside.
-Pour 3/4 cup cold water in the bowl of an electric mixer, and sprinkle gelatin on top. Let stand 5 minutes.
-Place 3 cups granulated sugar, corn syrup, salt, and 3/4 cup water in a medium saucepan. Set saucepan over high heat, and bring to a boil. Insert a candy thermometer, and cook until mixture reaches soft-ball stage (238 degrees, about 9 minutes).

JFC. (for those who don't know what JFC is, it is a very bad thing to say, for example, you would never say it to a Priest. It has to do with he who was born on Christmas Eve and then instead of his real middle name, which I believe is Horatio, you add the 'F' word.) So there, JFC MARTY, ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!? 238 degrees!?!? REALLY? 9 MINUTES??? Not 10? JFC.
-Using the whisk attachment, beat hot syrup into gelatin on low speed. Gradually increasing speed to high, beat until mixture is very stiff, about 12 minutes. 12 minutes. TWELVE Beat in vanilla. Pour mixture into the prepared baking dish, and smooth the surface with an offset spatula. I don't have an offset spatula. I have a spatula spatula! Set dish aside, uncovered, until marshmallow becomes firm, at least 3 hours or overnight. insert Final Jeopardy song here. i would opt for overnight, as so far I have waited for the butter to come to room temp, and if I were making this, it's probably 9:00 at night now
-Place 1 cup confectioners’ sugar in a fine strainer a 'fine' strainer. a 'fine' one. gimmeabreak, and sift onto a clean work surface. and this is where I would stop everything to clean my worksurface Invert large marshmallow onto the sugar-coated surface, and peel off the parchment paper. Lightly brush a sharp knife with vegetable oil, and cut marshmallow into 2-inch squares. Sift remaining 1/2 cup confectioners’ sugar into a small bowl, and roll marshmallows in sugar to coat. Set aside. you know she wanted to add something like "set aside for 13 minutes and 42 seconds"
-Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush a 9-inch-square baking pan with melted butter. In a large bowl, combine graham-cracker crumbs, 7 tablespoons melted butter, and remaining 1/4 cup granulated sugar. Using your hands, press mixture firmly into the prepared pan. Transfer pan to oven, and bake until the crust has set, 15 to 18 minutes. Remove pan from oven, and transfer to a wire rack to cool.
-Bring a medium saucepan of water to a simmer. In a medium heat-proof bowl, combine chocolate with remaining 6 tablespoons butter. Set the bowl over the simmering water, and stir until chocolate and butter have melted. Pour chocolate mixture over cooled graham-cracker crust. Using an offset spatula (note to self: ask for an offset spatula for your birthday), spread chocolate mixture into an even layer. Transfer to refrigerator, and chill until firm, about 30 minutes.
-Preheat the broiler. Cut chocolate crust into nine 3-inch squares. Top each square with a marshmallow, and place assembled s’mores under the broiler just until marshmallows turn golden brown, about 20 seconds. Serve immediately.

So all that work for 9 s'mores squares.

MY S'MORES RECIPE:

Buy Marshmallows

Buy Graham Crackers

Buy Hershey Bars

Place Marshmallow on top of Graham Cracker and put in microwave. No plate needed. Microwave on high for 20 seconds. In the meantime, place three Hershey segments onto another Graham Cracker. When the microwave goes "DING!" marry the two sides. Pop in mouth and gobble down. But do so quietly so boyfriend in living room doesn't know what you are doing. Repeat process at least two more times. Deny ever making s'mores if boyfriend asks.

The Queen Counts Her Swans

I have been living a non-eventful life as of late. And non-eventful things have occured in the world as well, leaving me uninspired for things to share with you. But today, as I sat at my desk quietly pondering life and eating peanut M&M's, I received an email from my Mom who asked if I saw the Queen at the 'Swan Upping' in England. Well, as I had never heard of it, I had to do my research and it is so delightfully boring I had to share it with you!

A Swan Upping is a tradition in England dating back to the 12th Century. I don't know a thing about Swans.....I consider all Swans to be female, for example. So what I learned about this is that it is for Ceremonial purposes now, but back then it was for more practical reasons, as the Swans belonged to the Monarch, and said Swans were considered a delicacy. So in order to protect his (it was probably a King back then, only a dude would conjure up something so ridiculous, like Golf) Swanstock, a group of men called 'Uppers' would capture them, nick their beaks, and then re-release them for future use in feasts. Gross. Today, the Upping lasts one week and is strictly for Ceremony, however, the Swans are still marked with rings around their little swan ankles. Now onto the photo recap of and Queen Elizabeth's thoughts on Upping swans:

"So let me get this straight. You're my Uppers? The Queen of England's Uppers! Have you met the King of Pop's Downers? Hahahaaaa!!!! Eh hem."

"Lemme tell you a somethin about the Uppahs. They are as thick as thieves and they stick togethah to the end..."

"This is what Regal Boredom looks like whilst adrift."

"Oh look. The Swan has reentered it's atmosphere"

"WhyEVER did Helen Mirren want to make a movie about my life."

"I hear they taste quite like chicken"

"And what do you do the remaining 51 weeks of the year?"

Harry Potter SPOILER ALERT!! Do NOT read, this contains a 'spoiler'.....

.....and you might just kill yourself if you continue reading, as did 32 year old Jude Ralston of Ohio after hearing a plot spoiler in his local mall. So stop reading now unless you want the latest Harry Potter film spoiled!


Stop if you don't want to know, I'm serious.


If you are still reading this you want to know the rest of the story.


You really want to know, huh? Wow....


.....you are SICK!!!


Okay, here goes (I muted out the spoiler in this pic, in the event you are still unsure of continuing on with this.....there is still time to go back but this is your LAST WARNING):



A rabid Harry Potter fan took his life yesterday after inadvertently learning a plot spoiler from the soon-to-be-released J.K. Rowling movie, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.
Jude Ralston, 32, of Hudson, Ohio left a suicide note indicating that since overhearing the plot spoiler at a shopping mall earlier in the day, “I no longer have a reason to live.”
Family and friends who gathered for a candlelight memorial outside Mr. Ralston’s house remembered a man who seemed to live only for Harry Potter - and wondered if they could have done anything to prevent his tragic fate.
“When Jude got that vanity license plate that said ‘Hogwarts,’ that seemed harmless enough,” said Polly Clovis, who attended Model U.N. with Mr. Ralston while the two were in high school. “But when he started wearing that wizard hat around town, we really should have seen that as a cry for help.”
According to friends of Mr. Ralston, the Potter fanatic had done everything in his power to protect himself from stumbling across Potter plot spoilers, even disconnecting his computer from the Internet and avoiding his favorite vintage comic book store.
Ms. Clovis said that she hoped Mr. Ralston’s death would cause federal authorities to tighten the flow of Harry Potter plot information to prevent similar tragedies from taking place.
“In my heart I believe that could have saved Jude’s life, even if he didn’t have one,” she said.

Eh hem. Let me clear my throat for a sec and try to wipe away the smile I am fighting. There. I am sorry to hear this, but I firmly believe that there were many underlying issues surrounding this suicide besides Dumbledore's untimely death in the book. And if this guy was such a 'rabid' fan, how did he not know the ending? Did he not read the books? The books are the BEST!

What a way to find out. This billboard better not tell me what happens at the end of 'Titanic', or I'll be PISSED.

Marlboro Man

Jon Gosselin is proving to be douche-ier than I thought. This is a picture of him having a smoke break in St. Tropez with his new 22 year old girlfriend, Hailey Glassman. Hailey is the daughter of the plastic surgeon who performed Kate's tummy tuck a few years ago. Remember them? Dr. Glassman offered this service for free, and even let Kate recuperate in his house for a week while his wife looked after her. And now their daughter is dating her husband. OUCH.

Michael Jackson, Keyboard Cat!

This is so funny......wait until second :33. So random and awesome, by far the best Michael Jackson tribute I have seen yet.