The Black Card

Guess what I got in the mail? An Amex Black Card!!

Okay no I didn't.

My Amex is still light green, the least desirable of all colored Amex Cards, but I'm still excited that I have one at all (Membah since '95!!! YAH! In yo!!). But I do know one person that has a Black card, much to my excitement! That's comparable to knowing royalty, you know. Some features that make the Black Card so exclusive:

• Dedicated concierge and travel agent


• Automatic upgrade to first class on all flights


• Companion ticket for all flights with purchase of full fare ticket


• Exclusive access to all airline clubs, so you don't have to sit with the poor people at the gate


• Personal shopper at Escada, Gucci and Neiman Marcus


• One free hotel room per year at all Mandarin's except for the NYC ones


• The Amex Black Card is made of Titanium, and is a bit thicker than most card


• Annual fee of $2,500, after your initial joining fee of $5,000


• Minimum spending requirement of $250,000 per year
  

Yeah. So I don't see what the big deal is. All this card offers you is extra respect from the girl working the register at Neiman Marcus or the server waiting on you at dinner. And need I remind you, that both of this type of person probably just graduated from college and lives in alone in a studio apartment covered in tapestry's somewhere in the city, so why the hell should I care what they think of me?

I think the Black Amex Card should offer perks like these:

• The ability to punch any BravoTV Real Housewife of your choice in the face


• An Oscar


• Exclusive access to any Registry of Motor Vehicle office statewide, with a guaranteed waiting time of zero minutes


• Big boobs when you want them, little ones when you want them


• Never have to 'Press 1 for English'


• A little sherpa that will get you water in the middle of the night when you wake up dying of thirst because if you go get it, then you'll totally wake up and then never be able to fall asleep again


• Never have to wait in a ladies room line again. Ever.


• You always wake up looking like you just left the hair salon, perfectly made up, lips dewey....


• Eat as much McDonald's as you want without ever gaining weight


• No PMS, bloating, aching, or cramps


• Actually, make that no period whatsoever


• Reinactors, clowns, Stormtroopers, and Mascots know to stay away from you


• The ability to solve mysteries like did OJ do it, who killed JonBenet, Tupac, and Biggie Smalls?

Strive for Black if you must! I dare to stay Green.