A Mystery Fit for Nancy Drew

Problems on the homefront! A mystery, if you will. You see, for the past two weeks I have been leaving my house in the morning only to discover that in the night, someone has pooped on the brick walkway leading to my front door. This has happened every day, and sometimes, when I get home from work, the poop is there. Same spot, every time, however, today when I woke up at 5:50 a.m. to the sound of my new Puppy (which will be a separate blog in itself) hollering at me to please take her out, I found said poop in an entirely new location. This time, the perp tagged the dining patio, near the back door. Again, on the brick. FYI we have a perfectly good garden to do this in, Al Kittyah. The Stealth Pooper is getting audacious by going a little deeper onto our property and releasing it's weapons dangerously close to the house now.

We are being terrorized.

I have two suspects in mind. Both are neighborhood cats that I know damn well have owners. They may be feline friends to some, but to me they are "Felinemies."

I am not sure what sort of surveillance it will take to nail down said pooper, but rest ye assured, I will do everything I can to prevent him from focusing continued wrath on me. If Nancy Drew can uncover the mystery surrounding an old stupid clock whilst dressed in a lovely 50's belted dress and sensible watch, I can certainly do the same, except I will be wearing flip flops and sweats, and, it won't be a clock. It will be poop.

Prepare to be kept posted!

With an Oink Oink Here, and a Sneeze Sneeze There!

News of the "swine flu" is sweeping the globe at sprint speed, but unfortunately the flu itself is spreading at a snail's pace. I am scared. And here is why, this will blow (pun intended) you away:


A single sneeze propels 100,000 droplets into the air at around 90 mph, landing on door knobs, ATM keypads, elevator buttons, escalator railings, and grocery cart handles. In a subway station at rush hour, according to British researchers, as many as 10 percent of all commuters can come in contact with the spray and residue from just one sneeze (or sternutation). That means as many as 150 commuters can be sickened by one uncovered achoo.


Holy.

Mother.

Of.

God.


So, what can you do to protect yourself? It's simple:
1. Sanitize -- i.e. Wash Your Hands Frequently.
80 percent of all infections are spread by hands. So everytime you touch ANYTHING wash your hand. Or use hand sanitizer. Don't shake hands. With anyone. Who cares if they think you are rude.
2. Avoid -- i.e. Engage in "Social Distancing."
That means, stay at home. If you are forced to go to a crowded public place, you are supposed to distance yourself by 6' from others.

You know.......it's too bad, because my office is very crowded and I have to come here in order to maintain my lifestyle. Every day. So in order to survive, I have to come to a crowded place, which in the end could potentially kill me. Super.
3. Be Alert -- i.e. Recognize the Symptoms and Get Help.

Swine flu symptoms are similar to regular flu: Fever, body aches, sore throat, cough, runny nose, vomiting, diarrhea, and lethargy.

FYI I am lethargic at 2:00 everyday, Mondays through Fridays. Swine Flu.


To summarize:
Wash your hands. Don't go to work. Go immediately to the hospital at the first sign of anything, good or bad. Do you have the shivers because it's chilly in your diseased office building? It's swine flu. Did you eat too much at lunch and are uncomfortably full? Swine flu. Did someone look at you from the other side of the street that appeared to have possibly had a stuffed nose? Swine flu, go to the hospital ASAP.



Sometimes I like sensationalized stories. But not this one. I feel sick as I write this....

Thank You For Being A Friend

Golden Girl Bea Arthur died over the weekend at the age of 86. Personally I cannot believe she was 86, I feel like she has been immortalized, still the same age she was when she did Golden Girls. I suppose that means that Betty White is old too? I am not sure I can handle that......
Bea was trained for the stage, but rose to stardom in her role as Maude Finley on "Maude" and of course as Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak on "Golden Girls", the devoted daughter to our favorite feisty Sicilian, Sophia Petrillo. In addition to being an Emmy & Tony Award winner, an avid supporter of PETA and an enormous opponent and activist against foie gras, she was downright hilarious. I have done some research and selected some fave lines from the show, to make you laugh.

Rose: I've been on the phone for a half hour and you'll never guess what happened.
Dorothy: You realized you forgot to dial first.
Rose: No.
Blanche: You were holding the receiver the wrong way.
Rose: No.
Dorothy: You were talking into the TV remote instead of the phone.
Rose: No.
Blanche: A shoe?
Rose: No, I'm not an idiot. - The TV has a remote?

Blanche: I can't believe you said that! Oh if I weren't a lady I'd deck you.
Dorothy: You try and I'll have you on your back so fast you'll think you're out on a date.

Dorothy: The woman keeps a chicken in her home, how normal can she be?
Rose: I kept a chicken in my home.
Dorothy: You see my point?

Blanche: I do love the rain so. It reminds me of my first kiss.
Dorothy: Ah, you're first kiss was in the rain?
Blanche: No it was in the shower.

Dorothy: You'll have to excuse my mother. She suffered a slight stroke a few years ago which rendered her totally annoying.

[Sophia wants a new TV, but Dorothy plans to use the money to pave the driveway over]
Sophia: And what will I do when every other old lady on the block is watching The Cosby Show?
Dorothy: Well, ma, I guess you can sit on the new driveway and hope an amusing black family comes along.

Rose: Charlie once had a business partner who was also a lying, cheating, evil, slimy human being!
Dorothy: Wait, Rose, let me guess. Hans Zinglefruberdanshoodlegadenhinkelmeier?
Rose: Yup! That's the louse!

Ahhhh, that show was awesome......now, 'Dorothy and Sophia' are together, in that lanai in the sky......Rest In Peace!

TWELVE!

Today is a big day for me, people. I have a new blog follower! Number 12!! As I do with everyone, I commemorate their addition to our fam by recognizing their notable number, whatever that may be. She's a 12. And likes hot air balloons.

On to the fascinating #12:

• The duodenum (from Latin duodecim, "twelve") is the first part of the small intestine that is about twelve inches long. More precisely, this section of the intestine was measured not in inches but in fingerwidths. In fact, in German the name of the duodenum is Zwölffingerdarm, meaning "twelve-finger bowel." GROSS!
• There are 12 Days of Christmas. (There are 31 days of Johannakah, FYI, starts October 1 and ends October 31....totally unrelated, just a friendly reminder)
• There are 12 Months in a Year
• The Seattle Seahawks do not allow their players to be #12 on their jerseys, as they reserve #12 for their fans in the stands, as if to say, their supporters are part of the team. I think that's cute.
• A jury for felony trials consists of 12 people. There are also 12 years in a felony sentence.
• Mr. Gisele Bundchen is #12 for the NE Patriots (see his ever so attractive before-he-was-famous photo above. What a nneerrddd)
• Jed Lowrie is #12 for the Red Sox.
• Branimir Bunjac has written an entire book about the mysteries surrounding the #12. He is totally obsessed with this number. See his website here: http://number12secret.com/portal/
• There must be at least 12 sentences in order for a paragraph to fit the criteria of being an actual paragraph.
• A dozen = 12
• Jesus Christ surrounded himself with 12 of his homies. Except they were called 'Disciples'.
• The #12 appears more often in the Harry Potter books than any other number. JK Rowling also uses the word 'dozen' hundreds of times.

There you go! Welcome #12!!

At Least This Guy Doesn't Have To Wait In Line

Cameron Brady, a.k.a. "Wacky Stunt Guy" will be participating in an 18 hour roller coaster marathon to raise money for charity. The fun starts for him at 6:00 a.m. and dips up and swoops down and spins all the way around until midnight! Then he can officially change his name from Wacky Stunt Guy to "Wacky Barfing Guy."


This is the roller coaster he will be riding for 18 glorious hours. It's called 'The Serpent'.
And much to my surprise, this is Cameron Brady. I didn't think he'd look as normal as this.......

....I actually anticipated someone who looked more like this guy......

.....or course it would've been totally awesome if he were a Tibetan Monk. They love roller coasters, apparantely.

And let's all keep our fingers crossed that what happened to Fabio on a Busch Gardens roller coaster doesn't happen to Cameron. BIRD STRIKE!

"I like roller coasters," said Brady, although he admits he's not a card-carrying coaster fanatic.
"I've already ridden this one for one or two laps in a few test runs. It's a two-minute ride, so one train takes its turn while the other loads. I'll get some brief breaks.
"We're supposed to have really good weather on Friday, so I'll bring along lots of sunscreen."

In case you were wondering, and you and I both know you absolutely positively were, a portable toilet nearby will give Brady a place to swiftly take care of personal business. Like barfing and other things......

To encourage donations, organizers will offer incentives:
• Pledges of $50 will garner a ride with Brady, plus one ticket to return and ride the coaster again.
• Those pledging $100 get to ride during the marathon and receive a T-shirt and a ticket for a later ride.
• Pledges of $200 get all of the above, plus a ticket to a lock-in party from midnight Friday to 5 a.m. Saturday at Kokomo's. The event includes coaster rides, mini-golf, laser tag, plus free pizza and soft drinks.

GOD I wish I lived in Michigan right now!!!

My Blog Has Accumulated Cobwebs......

Apologies, but I have been super busy the past several days. Between many trips to PetCo and PetSmart to prepare for our puppy, getting the house ready for her arrival (on TUESDAY!!), celebrating our Anniversary, Dancing With The Stars, Real Houswives of New York, Grey Gardens, the Boston Marathon, following the 'Craigslist Killer' story here in Boston, attending a Wedding on Sunday, and holding down an actual job, I have been delinquent with my beloved blog. I promise to be back in full force with something spectacular to wet your whistle later today. Stay tuned!!

Grey Gardens! Adventures in Costumes!

I had never really heard of 'The Edies' until recently, when excitement over the movie Drew Barrymore and Jessica Lange made for HBO started it's promotions and sparked my curiosity. So I wikipedia'd the Edie Beales, and then much to my happiness I found the original documentary (all 10 parts!) on youtube! Now, picture me jumping around my house with joy over this.....because these bitchessss issssss KA-RAZAAAAYYYYY!!!! And they are Jacqueline Kennedy's cousin and aunt respectively!! BLACK SHEEP! I love them, you'll see why, you kind of can't help it.
In this episode we are offered an inside look at their lives, including: an interesting explanation about Little Edie's 'costume' choice, discussion of a possible vegetable garden due to the cost of food, Mother Beale threatens to get naked and Little Edie expresses her fear in this possibility, they define their inability to wear girdles as a personal choice, and Little Edie announces she has to find a Libra husband.
Here is the link to Grey Gardens documentary Part 1.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R7b5gxc5VfI

I'm Scared

Rupert Everett clearly meant to go to a hospital for a little nip/tuck here and there, however, he seems to have accidentally taken a wrong turn and ended up at Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum where sculptors decided to work on him instead. He looks SPOOKY, and don't even get me started on Angela Lansbury.......

Susan Boyle: Why She Moves Us

I'm one of the millions of millions worldwide who have fallen in love with Susan Boyle. I read an interesting blog today that lent two very interesting explanations as to why (besides her angelic voice) she has captivated us so.

From Rev. James Martin, a Jesuit Priest:
"The way we see Susan Boyle is very nearly the way God sees us: worthwhile, special, talented, unique, beautiful. The world generally looks askance at people like Susan Boyle, if it sees them at all. Without classic good looks, without work, without a spouse, living in a small town, people like Susan Boyle may not seem particularly 'important.' But God sees the real person, and understands the value of each individual's gifts: rich or poor, young or old, single or married, matron or movie star, lucky or unlucky in life. God knows us. And loves us. 'Everybody is somebody' said Archbishop Timothy M. Dolan at his installation Mass in New York City yesterday. That's another reason why the judges smile and the audience explodes in applause. Because they recognized a basic truth planted deep within them by God: Susan Boyle is somebody. Everybody is somebody."

And from another blogger:
"Susan Boyle has reminded us of something we’ve forgotten for too long. Hypnotised by Madison Avenue and Hollywood and the culture of youth, we’ve forgotten that the things they offer to us as 'the norm' are ideals, and mostly fake ones. In embracing those fake ideals (how much money was spent last year in cosmetic surgeries and teeth-whitening?) we’ve forgotten that beyond all of those superficialities, we each have within us something of much greater value than perky breasts and unlined skin: the divine spark, the God-kiss, that lives in each and every one of us - no exceptions."

Chon mot mau sac!

As much as I LOATHE the pedicure process, I adore the pedicure result. Since it's mid-April it's time to start attending to our feet with a little more gusto and ooomph, ladies. I just had my first pedi of the season yesterday, and it wasn't too excruciating. What was painful, however, was the consistent language barrier I have with the ladies who work at my fave nail spot. This is usually how it goes once I walk in the door:

"CAN I HEP YOUUUUU?!?"

"Yes I'd like a pedic....(abruptly interrupted)"

"OKAY PICK A CAHLA"

So then, once my color is selected, which is usually an arduous process that takes about 5 minutes since this is a BIG decision, (Pink? No, red. NO! MIDNIGHT! No, pink. Dark pink? No, pale pink. NO CHERRY RED! Noooo....etc etc etc....) I make my way to my pedi-chair which I always have to have moved way back from the tub because my legs are too long. You probably think I shouldn't complain about having long legs but trust me, if the chair isn't moved back then cramping ensues which ultimately turns into a charlie horse and a scene is made as I stand up, shouting out in pain and noone ever wants to be witness to that. Mainly I am speaking of the nail lady who is working on my feet, and who doesn't speak English so doesn't understand what I am talking about, especially when I jump up suddenly, questionnably yelling a word she may understand, like "HORSE".

Which brings me to the point of this all......the language barrier.

First of all, I came in for a pedicure. That's all. Just a pedicure. I don't appreciate it when scenarios like these arise, which is what happened yesterday.

"YOU WAN EYEBROW WAX"

"no thank you"

"NOT A QUESTION YOU NEED EYEBROW WAX"

Okay, offend me why don't you!!

And then, after you say no again, she talks to her colleagues in her native tongue and hilarity ensues. The giggling, the whispering, it's all so nerve wracking! I imagine that they are of course talking about me and ripping me to shreds. This is what they were probably saying:

"She totally needs an eyebrow wax, who does this bitch think she is, Frida Kahlo?"

"Totally....don't even get me started on her upper lip!"
"HAHAHAHA SSSOOOO TRRUUUEE!!!!"

"And while we're at it, she could use a face transplant"

"TOTALLY! Caucasians are so weird looking especially this tall one with the yellow hair"

"She is so freakishly tall. I wonder if she can dunk?"

I always leave there with lovely feet but a bruised ego. Honestly they most def aren't talking about me, except for the minor jab here and there about the condition of my feet, but it's still fun slash infuriating to think they are talking about me. I must learn Vietnamese this summer....

So Annoying

Today is April 15th. Tax day. Ehh. Ughh. Blehhh. I hate this day. Not because I usually owe or because anything I have to file is that complicated, but because it's SO. ANNOYING. AGI's and 1044-AB's and 1099 HC's and IRS's and EIN's and all those annoying little things that are letters and numbers that you don't know the definintion of or the reason for that in the end make you feel like an A-S-S.

So I've decided to compile a list of all other super annoying inevitable things that we have to do slash deal with as Americans but mostly as Humans in general:

• Public Transportation, specifically the strangers who ride it with you and read what you're reading over your shoulder
• Pap Smears
• House Cleaning, mostly including but not limited to toilet cleaning
• Shovelling snow
• Paper Cuts
• Traffic Jams
• Jury Duty
• Conspiracy Theories (i.e. HM The Queen did NOT kill Princess Diana)
• Annoying Cubicle Neighbors at work who hum along to music they are listening to on their headphones
• Telemarketers
• Bloating
• When ice cream drips out of the bottom of a sugar cone
• The kind of car alarms that go off unstimulated and honk incessantly
• Sunburns
• People who say "So I says to them I says"
• Flying
• Muffin Tops
• When you can't tell if a baby is a boy or a girl
• Windy Days
• Wicked long voicemail messages that end up being for the point of just saying HI
• Opening a can of soda or a bottle of water, taking one sip and then leaving it there to go warm (I totally do that, drives my man NUTS!)
• When people say "let there be light!" when turning on a light switch
• Shopping Malls
• Store clerks that want to stack the receipt under my change. Hand me the money and coins separately so I can put it in my pocket, and then hand me the receipt or place it in the bag (I am talking to you Charlestown CVS!)
• Meterologists who lie about the weather. BOUCHARD YOU ARE DEAD TO ME!
• Blood Tests
• Loud talkers in the movie theater
• When you bend over to pick something up and miss the object multiple times, and the final attempt is a violent grab as if to say it was the object's fault
• Unforseen speed bumps
• The Taliban
• Gossipers and Judgers
• People who are eating something and say "Ewww try this it's disgusting!
• Slow left lane drivers
• Eavesdroppers at work. "I wasn't eavesdropping, but I overheard you say...." MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS YOU WERE TOO EAVESDROPPING!
• People who sit in front of you at sporting events with gigantic signs that block your view, just so they can get on TV
• People who respond to my emails two weeks later but don't include the text of the previous email in their email
• The dentist
• Co-workers who try to talk to you when you're in the toilet stall. Umm, I'm kind of in the middle of something here.....
• Healthy people who bitch about how there is too many or who take handicapped parking spaces
• Miley Cyrus

I feel better now.

WTF Is Going on with Katie Holmes?

This is a woman who is clearly crying out for help.

What Your Hairstyles Say About You Whilst On Trial

NOT-GUILTY.

Defendent accidentally electrocuted and unconscious during time of murder. No teasing.

GUILTY.

Bang!

Enough said.

GUILTY.
Defendent channeling his inner Clay Aiken. That is crime enough.

Our Puppy!

Not sure which one is ours yet.....but one of these pups will be coming home with us in two weeks! This is the 'Pirate' litter I have been talking about. So much cuter than Obama's puppy. It's true.

Whatever

The official announcement came from the White House today. The Obama's got a dog.

BIG DEAL SO DID WE BARACK!! AND MICHELLE, GET OVER YOURSELVES!! It's only a matter of time before msnbc is knocking on our door to ask about our new puppy. Which arrives at our home in two weeks, for those of you from msnbc who read my blog.

The Obama's dog is a Portugese Water Dog. A PWD, if you will. It's cute (I guesssssss) but it's one of those things where you look at someone else's baby and you say "Oh how BEAU-tifullllll!" to their faces but internally you are really screaming at the unfortunate occurence that has hit this baby, a.k.a. the ugly stick, because thank GOODNESS your own dog/baby is so perfect. What I am saying is, is that our dog is cuter. Period. But I am happy for Sasha and Malia and I don't doubt their excitement at this new addition to their fam. Congrats girls! Butmydogiscuter.

I will be keeping a watchful eye out on the White House website to see if 'Bo' the PWD gets his own Web page. I would like to follow his developments and accomplishments in comparison to the developments and accomplishments of my own brilliant dog who is yet to be named.

The game is on, Bo. You really are actually cute, I mean it.

P.S. Love the lei.

Happy Easter! Puppy WebCam Shot of the Day!

LOOK AT THE LITTLE EASTER PEEPS!!!! I mean, Pups....this is a shot of them watching the 'grown up' dogs playing in the kitchen on the other side of their pen. They can't wait to be grown up too!

Daily Puppy Update - Adventures in Sleeping!

Before we get the puppy I will be posting screenshots from the live WebCam the breeder provided us with! We watch the WebCam for hours sometimes.....this is them sleeping. Which they do. A LOT!

Happy Passover!

What better way to celebrate Passover but Japanese style?!?! WHO KNEW?!?! This is a very good tip on how to split Matzo perfectly.

I wonder how you say OY VAY in Japanese....

Pirates, say Cheeeeeese!!

Okay, now I knew 'piracy' was a problem but I didn't know they still call them Pirates. I just can't take it seriously, I am sorry. They should call them Terrorists, because the whole 'Pirate' thing completely throws me off. I think of Johnny Depp, or Keith Richards. Plus, the breeder where we are getting our puppy from named this litter after Pirates, and she calls the litter 'The Pirate Horde'. So, everytime I hear the news say that the Pirates have captured another cargo ship, I imagine the litter of seven 5-week-old yellow lab puppies storming the ship with little eye patches on, stopping to piddle hear and there, and falling all over each other. It's very poor timing for the pirate litter to be named after pirates. It's confusing me and makes me giggle a little.

And why do the Pirates look so happy in the above pictures? (you can't tell in the pic size above....go to this link to see better: http://www.boston.com/bigpicture/2009/03/pirates_of_somalia.html

They are posing and smiling, even whilst surrendering? I just think if these guys are going to have the audacity to call themselves Pirates than they should make themselves look scarier.

Real Housewives of New York Photo Recap

Holy Jesum Crowbars.....I shouldn't have taken that hit of acid before I got here. I can't handle thissssssssss
Okay seriously Jill. The acid is turning on me. Are you Liberace? Am I Liberace? Where is Versace? Oh. God. Kill me. Shoot me now.

Girls, after I make this shot I am going to discuss with you the importance of maintaining self esteem. Wait we have a question from our group....girl in the blue shirt, go ahead? Oh hahahaha no no no NO my love....you won't be a model unless you lose all of that weight! Okay, now, onto the importance of having self esteem. Who has it? I do! Did I tell you I am a Countess?

Luann: Oh my love, when is Simon going to realize he is GAY?

Bethenny: For rizzle, yo. Shoot me. Kill me now.

Alex: I hope Simon isn't too tired for the leather harness tonight....

I know I can't believe it either! A Countess! Wearing a bedazzled skull & crossbones shirt! It's a hoot, yes?!?

I'd rather be shopping.

I find this annoying. I am very very annoyed. Look at Simon, he has no depth. I find him to be fake. He's very very fake. I find this to be very annoying, I do.....

The Snoring Puppy

This is a pup that was born at the same breeder we are getting our pup from. And man, can this baby snore! Hope ours does too, because it's really cute. He/she can snore harmoniously with Dad, because he is really good at snoring too.

RHofNY Tonight!

hummenah hummenah hummenah hummenah hummenah

Tonight we see the unveiling of Jill's redecorated condo on the Uppah East Suyde of ManHATTTtan. Bethenny is the first to see it and compares it to being on an acid trip, and walks around, mouth agape, repeating over and over again "I'm processing all of it".

If anyone should ever walk into my home and say "I'm processing all of it" I am burning my house down immediately.

Tonight we also get to see the Countess give a pep talk to the Boys & Girls Club, about what? About being a Countess of course! But this episode was filmed pre-divorce from her Not-An-Old-Man husband the Count, as we all know now he has since left her for an Ethiopian hottie.

In addition to the tah-dah condo decor reveal (compliments of Timothy Leary), we also find out who Jill has chosen for her doubles partner in the match against Mario and Ramona. Lest ye forget that this is the match that is going to save the universe from exploding, apparantely. I bet she gets Monica Seles. Monica is very familiar with back-stabbing so she would fit right in with the Real Housewives of New York!

News. BIG NEWS!

A puppy from the 'Pirate' litter, born Feb. 26, 2009
The Proud Parents, Mango and Buzz

a.k.a. the Tom & Gisele of Yellow Labs

Looks like we are going to be new parents come end of April. Except not to a human, to a puppy! After what seems like 100 years of discussion, we have decided to take the plunge and adopt. We found a woman who breeds the most amazing yellow labs ever. EVER. I will keep you posted, nothing is carved in stone just yet, but looks like this is FINALLY going to happen! I have to get the nursery ready......

The 5 Top Things Kelly Would Say To Bethenny. If She Were Made Of Wax.

I just came across this positively hilarious photo of Kelly Bensimon and Bethenny Frankel, in which Kelly is her usual toothy tanny self, and Bethenny is trying with all her ferocious natural food loving might to pretend she is made of wax. Here is a list of the top five things Kelly would say to Bethenny's wax figure, if Madame Tussauds ever creates one:

I think it inappropriate to be confrontational in public, so meet me at a bar at 7:00 so I can scream at you in public.

Bethenny, stand up when I talk to you!

Just saying Hi in the event one day you become famous, rich or both!

Let's keep our private lives private and go maniacally obsess about our hatred of each other to Page Six!

Remember when you told everyone I should act like I'm in my 40's? What 40's? I'm not in my 40's ohmyhahaha Bethenny maybe you ARE funny!

Real Catfight of New York

There is so much more to what happened on last night's Real Housewives of New York that I simply can't touch upon it all. Basically, in a nut shell, everyone fought with everyone else about who between all of them sucked more. It was like watching a 20 car pile-up on the Interstate. You didn't want to watch, yet you couldn't pull your eyes away.

Below I have done a photo recap of my fave catfight of the night, between Bethenny and Kelly. Bethenny remained as cool as the other side of the pillow, while Kelly flew into rages and reamined as incoherent and nonsensical as is humanly possible. I think she was on coke or was heavily doused in gin, I am not sure, but judging by what was coming out of her mouth in addition to the cashmere off the shoulder mini-dress she paired with pink rubber gardening boots, I think inebriation of some sort is her only excuse.

Here is my version of what happened, which I swear to you is pretty much what DID happen, except in my own words:

You're Late
Ohhhh reeeeallllaaayyyy, Bethenny? Honnnesstttllaaayyy is that what you think? Because I said meet me at 7:00 and it's now past 7:30, so I'm not late. You think you're so funny.

I never said I was funny. And you're late.

Ohhhh rreeeallllaayyyy, hhonnnessstttlllaayyyy? You are so beneath me. This is you (hand gestured way down low) and this is me (hand gestured way up high). Because I'm better than you.

Why do you get to be the higher hand? Because you're taller?

Ohhhh reeeeallllaaayyy, hhhonnnessttlllaaayyy Bethenny, you're not funny, just get in your head that we will never be friends, got it?

Correct

Ha! Haha! HAHAHAAAA!!! OMG! Littterrralllaaayyy, you are so beneath me so, stop begging! Noone thinks you're funny! We will NEVER EVER EVER be friends.

Fine with me.

Fine with ME!

I'm rubber and you're glue.

I'M rubber and YOU'RE glue!

OMG seriously?

OMG seriousssllllaaayyyy???

Kelly Bensimon is an inauthentic bitch.

Kelly Bensimon is a.......Oh HAHAHA very funny Bethenny!

Told ya I was funny.

You know whhhaaatttt???? I have to go. I have a date. A DATE. With an Italian. Have a nice life.
Elvis has left the building.