*I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option
*I don’t understand the purpose of the line, “I don’t need to drink to have fun.” Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they’ve invented the lighter?
*Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you’re going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you’re crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.
*The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase “Regards” again.
*There is a great need for ‘sarcasm’ font.
*Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f*** was going on when I first saw it.
*I think everyone has a movie that they love so much; it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I’ll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone’s laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I’m still the only one who really, really gets it.
*How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
*I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
*The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.
*Lol has gone from meaning “laugh out loud” to “I have nothing else to say”
*I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger
*Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I’m not real smart, I’m imaginary smart.”
*Mapquest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
*Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you exactly how the person died.
*I find it hard to believe that there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.
*Shirts get dirty. Undies get dirty. But jeans? Jeans never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
*I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.
*Whenever I’m Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid at Christmas morning who just got EZ Bake Oven that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don’t mind if I do!!!!
*Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like, I know my name….I know where I’m from….this shouldn’t be a problem….
*You never know when it will strike but there comes a moment at work when you’ve made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
*There’s no worse feeling than that split second you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far…
*“Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this. Ever.
*When I'm watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering just as much for the Chinese as I am for the Americans. I am fairly certain that if Chinese athletes don't win, they are executed.
*I like all the music in my iTunes. Except when it's on shuffle, then I like every fifteenth song in my iTunes.
*I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night every kiss actually begins with more alcohol then with Kay.
*The other night I ordered take-out for just myself, and when I looked in the bag, I saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. So someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second look at it, and then estimated that at least four people would be enjoying all this food. Horrifying.
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