Dancing With The Stars, Episode 1 Photo Recap

Attempting an ocho-sink to the flo. Fail.
Me thinks Brenda Walsh sprang a leak here....

Hi. I'm Erin Andrews. I don't like it when men peep at me. Hence the barely-there dress I've chosen.

Errrinnnnn......I'mmmm wwaaaatttccchingggg yooouuuuu

I miss ice.

I'm a tool.

Hero=No Jokes Needed Here. Plus he's 80. GO BUZZ GO!

And I was like, bitch PLLLLEAASSSSE and she was all OH NO YOU DI'INT and I was all HMM HHHMMMMM butyoudidnthearitfromME.

Professional Dancer on an amateur dance contest alert!

I refuse to point my toes not because I am difficult but because I like to pretend I am kicking Jon in his Plus 8 baby maker.

Everything but penetration is going on here.

This Reminds Me: I Need A Pedicure Badly

Just Sayin.

The Olympics Are Over

I have been utterly consumed by the Olympics the past 14 days and have decided to add a gold medal to my list of things to win (that's #2, #1 is an Oscar). I discussed this with my friend Adrienne and we have decided to pursue the 2 Man Bobsled event. It's the only one we can start training for now and still be able to drink heavily and eat whatever we want. So look for us in 2014, we will be in a sled appropriately named The Pussy Wagon. GO USA!!

In addition to pursuing my new sport of choice, I have also done some thinking about certain events, things that could make them more interesting, and new events that could be added to the games. They are as follows:

A) While watching the Biathlon with my family one afternoon, we decided that it would be a lot more interesting if the skiers were being shot at instead of doing the shooting. Obvs they would be hit with paint bullets instead of real ones. It would make that sport a real nail biter!

B) Best Dressed Contests. Johnny Weir and the Norwegian Curling Team totally get it. Points should be added for things like fancy pants or for wearing a corset and lip gloss in a men's event. I am sorry, but credit was not given where credit was due.

C) Dizzy Izzy Speed Skating. You know what speed skating is, and dizzy izzy is a game where you have to run fast to a target, take a broomstick, raise it in the air and then spin around and around really fast for 30 seconds while maintaining focus on the broomsticks highest point. Immediately after this is completed your mission is to run to another target as fast as you can while trying to keep in a straight line. It's impossible, and they should do that in speed skating.

D) Hide and Go Seek. This version would be held in an outdoor arena similar to that of a cross country skiing course, only a lot smaller. I can hear Bob Costas' voice saying "Now we take you over to the Hide and Go Seek Arena where the drama continues to unfold as the Norwegians have been hiding from the Canadians for 35 straight minutes."

What do you think?

7th? I am ASHAMED

I just took a 'How Well Do You Know The Oscars' quiz on boston.com and lets just say I know them pretty well. Well enough to have my name PUBLISHED on the site as a top scorer!! I am practically famous because of this!

So maybe I didn't beat Kevin B. from Quincy who practically doubled my score but still, I did well, and this was a timed quiz so there was no way to cheat. Oscars are just 10 days away!!! I CANNOT WAIT!

Jam On It: A Sticky Subject?

The other day I was watching Barefoot Contessa (starring my favorite nervous giggler slash chef Ina Garten) and she was making a dish (no doubt for her gays: Miguel, Frank, Stephen and TR) that required Apricot Jelly. All of a sudden, she throws out the option to use Apricot JAM if you can't find Apricot JELLY!

At that moment, at that very moment, I had the revelation that for my 37 years and 3 months of living, I have never ever realized there is a difference between Jam and Jelly. Which got me thinking that this is something that should be researched immediately because you know and I know that you have secretly always wondered what the big friggin' difference was, but were too afraid to ask and does it matter because you always buy whatever is on sale or Smuckers anyway???

So, here you go.

Jelly, Jam and Preserves are all made from fruit mixed with sugar and pectin. The difference between them comes in the form that the fruit takes. Specifically, the fruit in jelly comes in the form of fruit juice. Jam, on the other hand, uses fruit pulp or crushed fruit, which explains why it's "less stiff" than jelly. Finally, in fancy-pants Preserves, the fruit comes in syrup-laden chunks.

And all my life I thought Marmalade was just Jelly that was made in England instead of the Smucker's plant here in the states. WRONG. Marmalade is a citrus-based preserve, containing the rind.

So besides having to thank Ina for her Sole Meuniere and her Gratin and her expressions like "How bad can THAT be?!" or "Don't have fun without me!" and of course her entourage of gays (she doesn't have any other friends, although I question TR's intentions with Ina, I really do but that's another blog), I have this to thank her for too.

Tears for Tots

There is nothing that sparks that Christmas spirit more than terrorizing your child completely by forcing them to sit on a stranger's lap and then walking away immediately, giving the child the idea that you are leaving him with this freak. Forever. These parents may as well park their little ones in front of the TV and pop in "The Shining" DVD because quite frankly it would invoke the same reaction. For example:

This little girl displays the locked elbow Heisman push off of Santa yet still retains the presence of mind to not only protect herself, but her candy too.

I give this boy an A++ because he is really trying to keep it together.

This poor dear refuses to give into the fear even though she knows she is trapped. This will be the longest two minute photo session of her entire life.

This is little Caroline. She converted to Judaism shortly thereafter...

This is totally inappropriate but there is only one thought going through this boys head. And, let's be honest, yours too.

Farley lives!

Valiant effort in escaping. I don't know what's worse, the fact that this Santa won't give in and free the kid or that the parents used it as their Christmas Card.

This is what I am calling the Santa Sibling Sumo Hold and it should be illegal.

He's right behind me, isn't he.......

She's scared, but she's sucking it up for crying out loud....MAN UP BIG BROTHER!

The classic 'Scream and Reach'. Unfortunately for these children the person they are screaming and reaching for is the same person that put them in this situation.

Even at 6 months old this baby knows it's fight or flight. And Santa, do something about that moustache, please. This is Christmas, not Magnum PI. Jerk.

It is emblazoned on our brains to never, EVER, take candy from strangers and yet Santa is luring him with a tempting treat, while Mom is in the background encouraging him to take it. This type of parenting gets a F-.

Now, what do you do when one of your children is enjoying himself immensely while the other is having a coronary? A classic Christmas time dilemma.....

I am SO doing this....

The Hypocrite Grip, aka the "Hypogrip". Santa pleadingly looks at the parents as if to say "do something, your child is terrified!", and yet, he still doesn't let go.....

AND FINALLY, THE CREEPIEST SANTA IN THE WORLD AWARD GOES TO:

drum roll drum roll drum roll.......

Cue the music from 'Halloween' here.

Something To Think About

Yes yes yes I have been delinquent. Working on that, I swear. But to get back on that blogging horse, I have this to share with you:

The other day I was talking to my co-worker who is from Nepal. She was telling me of her visit home and how wonderful it was, the weather, seeing her Mom and Dad, the food, shopping, friends, etc. etc. So I asked her about Everest, natch. She has never attempted a climb to any of the base camps let alone the summit itself, and when I asked her how tall it was, she said:

29,029 ft

And I thought, isn't that the cruising altitude of most planes??? And I pictured the summit of Evs and then I pictured a plane way up high in the sky when it's flying....you know, when it's so teeny weeny way up there?!? Well, that's how freakin' high Everest is.

Plane at cruising altitude, generally 30,000 ft

Mount Everest, summit at 29,029 ft