Firteen!!!!

You did not misread that! You see, suspicions run high with my newest blog follower, so as #13 did not bode well with her, I promised to skip that and boost her up to #14. She is a diagnosed Triskaidekaphobic (the fear of the #13). I am actually even surprised that she wants to be any number close to 13 at all......she is ridiculously supersticious, for example, she:

• Considers seeing an ambulance as very unlucky unless she pinches her nose or holds her breath until she sees a black dog*
• Considers this a cure for a cough: takes a hair from the coughing person's head, puts it between two slices of buttered bread, and feeds it to a dog*
• Will not cut her fingernails on a Friday or Saturday*
• Screams when she drives past a McDonalds*
• Only cuts her hair on Good Friday, as she claims this fights off headaches for the remainder of the year*
• Will never, under any circumstances, look a Canadian person in the eye*
• Wears a spider in a walnut shell around her neck as a repellent to the plague, just in case*
• Wears her clothes inside out to bring good luck*
  

See what I mean?!?!?

Welcome #Firteen!!!!

*none of these things are true.....just having fun with this

It's A Family Aff-Hair

Kate Gosselin has been in the tabs quite a lot lately, mostly because she's a toxic bitch. Poor Jon. But I digress, today's topic is solely regarding Kate's hair style. She was recently quoted as saying: “It’s not going to work for everybody, I have very, very thick hair . . . I’ve seen people come through the book line with thin hair and it just won’t work.”

It's true that it might not work for those of us who are follicley challenged diameter wise, however, I have discovered that the style works on everybody's face. It's an unfortunate discovery, as her hairstyle has been described as though it was 'chopped up in a salad spinner'. I used my very own family as subjects, and they are as follows:

I personally think it looks great on both my Mom and my brother (grey hoodie). Sorry, but I do................

PHOTO RECAP! My Memorial Day Weekend Adventure a.k.a. The Adventure That Almost Had Me Memorialized

Had to make a trip to Buffalo over the weekend for a Wedding, so what else does one do whilst in the Buff but go to Niagara Falls! We had our gorgeous puppy in tow, who was apparantely just as fascinating to the tourists there as the falls themselves were. She IS gorgeous. The 8th Wonder of the World, if you will.

There is an attraction at the falls called 'Cave of the Winds'. The Cave of the Winds trip takes you closer to the waters of Niagara Falls than you thought possible. You ride an elevator 175 feet deep into the Niagara Gorge. Then, clad in a bright yellow poncho and wearing the special footwear provided, you follow a series of ramps and foot bridges in, over and around the falls. As you stand at the railing, you are a mere 20 feet from the billowing torrents of Bridal Veil Falls. The rushing waters loom above you, dousing you with a generous spray as you face the thundering Falls head-on. With our little pup accompanying us only one could visit said 'cave', so, since Steve had already done it on a previous visit, that left me to do it. Solo. At first I wasn't at all nervous because they give you that sassy yellow poncho and some neat sandals, both required attire for the attraction. I was so into it. I love wardrobe changes! But then, I saw a sign that warned that people with respiratory problems, heart ailments, or the like should absolutely NOT do the tour. So that got me thinking.....do I have respiratory problems? Is there a heart malfunction in my in-the-next-twenty-minutes future? Since there was no sign warning people with ovarian cysts or skin cancers of danger on the tour, I decided my survivability was pretty good, and headed into the elevator via what looked like a charming little chapel. My adventures are as follows:

The adorable stone chapel-like building that holds the elevator down to the bottom. The sweet, unassuming charm of it did not set the appropriate tone for my adventure.

My outfit for the excursion. I am wearing a lightweight pair of state park issued sandals and a yellow poncho, paired with Chanel sunglasses to keep things classy. I am posing because I thought this COULD be the last photo taken of me alive so I wanted to make it adorbs.

My fellow Cave of the Wind-ers, whilst waiting for the elevator in what I called the chapel. They were Chinese, did not speak English and were considerably smaller than me, which struck an alarm in my head that perhaps I was too tall and made me question if this was in fact an actual cave. Nerves and prayers ensued.


Upon exiting the elevator, I am welcomed to a lovely site at the base of the falls. I am encouraged, because the lady in red and khaki who is approaching me looks as though she may have respiratory problems yet clearly survived the 'cave'.

Approaching the stairwell down to the base of the falls. Those little white dots on the rocks are thousands of seagulls squaking away as I notice the brittle little 2x4's a.k.a. TOOTHPICKS that are supporting the structure I am about to walk across. The chorus coming from the seagulls was an unpleasant screaching that sounded quite like "goooobaaaack!".

The observation tower, high high high above me. I imagine that this was a costly attraction in which to view the falls, and I question the structural integrity of this also. I deemed myself safer being closer to the ground.

Behold! The base of Bridal Veil Falls! Though very windy, I am unaware of how much more windy it will be as I continue on the toothpick supported structure. I continue my ascension to further saturation. So far respiratory system and heart feel good....

The 'Maid of the Mist', the boat that carries you to another series of falls. I only wish I am on this boat instead of the toothpicks because they were issued blue ponchos, which I much prefer to my yellow.

The higher I climb, the more saturated I become. I notice more 'toothpicks' supporting our walking planks and become further disdainful at its design.

At this point I have become quite wet and the wind has picked up considerably. The surface of the deck is slick, and I am thankful for my Niagara Falls issued sandals. Breathing is a little compromised due to excessive wind, challenging my respiratory health.....

An excellent view of the 'support' structures. I am wondering if I should call the Army Corps of Engineers, but realize I did not bring my cell phone.

My reservations to continue are high, as I suspect the structure is teaming with termites and collapse of support structure is imminent.

My hearing has been jeopardized at this point. The falls are all I can hear in addition to the screaming for Mommy in my head, but I feel a bit more encouraged as blondie in front of me has removed her poncho hood. I admire her audacity but do not follow suit.

TLC's "Don't Go Chasin' Waterfalls" is now in my head and as I reflect on the songs message, I realize that I might be walking to my death. (R.I.P. Left Eye!)

A self portrait. Had this been the Amazing Race, the producers at this point would have queued the music that symbolizes idiocy.

Well. This can't be good.

I go for it, and lean ever so sightly over the toothpick railing. I can assure you that the first self portrait was taken somewhat humorously, however, here, I am in sheer panic.

Ascension to what is known as as the "Hurricane Deck".

The wind is so powerful here that people are bracing themselves. My heart rate has increased quite a bit, and the sign I saw on my way down is haunting me more than Mrs. Muirs ghost.

I try to find a happy, peaceful place to focus on.....

.....and see people kissing on the Hurricane Deck. Clearly these people are in excellent respiratory health.

The bridge to Canada. I am questionning the structural integrity of everything within sight at this point.

The tunnel to the elevator which will take me back up to the surface of the earth. I am ALIVE. Please note the man at the end of the tunnel to the right, who clearly had reservations about embarking on the adventure that I survived only moments ago. I try not to make eye contact with him, as I am sure I look slightly terrorized.

So for $11.00 I risked life and limb to get wet, be scared, and question my overall health. But I came out of it alive, and celebrated by buying a cute Niagara Falls magnet for my niece and nephew's fridge at home. A perfect end to a perfect adventure.

Ode to the Real Housewives of NYC

This pretty much sums it up!

RHoNY & RHoNJ Photo Recaps....TO FOLLOW

Mi dispiace. That means I'm sorry in Italiano. I have had a ridiculously busy week and between work, my puppy and personal health woes, I have been unable to devote time and energy to watching these episodes with a clear head. Fatigue and puppy raising has been taking up most of my energy. I cannot in good conscience blog about these episodes until I've seen them all in their entirety! I have morals, people, and do not want to do anything half-assed. Are you allowed to say 'ass' after you claim to have high morals? I don't know, but I promise you the recaps are to come!

Jersey Housewives...Photo Pre-Cap!

My first ever photo pre-cap. Very hard to do so don't judge! I have included what every cast member says about themselves in the show intro (see video posted earlier). Also, a few comments here and there. Didn't bother with Jacqueline though.....she seems boring. I hope she changes my mind!

Dina: "If you think I'm a bitch than bring it on"


Teresa: "People make fun of Jersey girls, but I think they're just jealous"
(ummmmm.... ssssoooo not jealous.)

(still not jealous, Teresa. Well. Maybe of the hoops....)

Caroline: "If you're gonna mess with my family, you're gonna mess with me."

(this I believe fully)

Danielle: "You're either going to love me, or hate me, there is no in between with me."

(Danielle clearly likes the word 'ME')

Danielle: "MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE"

And on another note entirely, through my incredible powers of observation, I noticed in the video I posted below, that Dina is wearing the same dress that Allie Zaran wore to the Creeky Joints fundraiser in the last episode of Real Housewives of New York!!!! Oh. Muy. Gawd.

Dina: "Great. Ahwwwsum. If you wanna wear the same dress as me Allie, then fine, bring it on..."

Dina: "You tell that little Allie bitch that she can't wear the same dress as my sistah. We are as thick as thieves. Did anyone tell hah that we are as thick as thieves?!?!? Well lemme tell you somthin...."

Allie: I have the cutest of all diseases, I have

Bravo TV Video - It's Jersey's Turn

Friday Afternoon LIVE WORK BLOG

I am so bored. My co-worker is in Puerto Rico for a badly needed vacation, leaving me alone and listless in my quiet corner of the building that houses me Monday-Friday from 8:30 to 5:00. Noone else seems to be here. Well, my boss is here, but she is in meetings all day. Since I am so bored I thought I would do a live work blog. A Wog , if you will, which requires me to go back and forth from Working to Blogging. Here goes:

1:48 p.m.

Devoured egg salad sandwich on wheat. Julio in the cafeteria never gives me enough egg salad, so all the salad was in the middle of the sandwich, leaving emptiness in the peripheral edges that made the whole sandwich experience disappointing and unenjoyable. Minor sandwich rage ensued.

1:52 p.m.

Boyfriend just phoned with the most delightful news. Turns out I don't have to walk home from work today after all! Leaving my efforts in bringing my Totes Umbrella in with me, pointless. Joy! Sandwich rage over upon learning of the positive turn my afternoon has taken.

1:57 p.m.

Received a text message from my best friend Lisa that simply read 'Satan'. After a minute or two of serious pondering over what vexed her enough to send that message, and since I know her so well, I determined that she ultimately was speaking of Drew Peterson, whom I like to refer to as "Henry the Ninth".

2:18 p.m.

Just had the most interesting convo with someone from Legal about how costly Comcast's services are. I don't know how we got on the subject, considering he is in Legal and I am in Med. Research. And come to think of it, he doesn't even work in this building. Well, regardless, I welcomed the visit and the nice chat. Am now feeling a bit of a chill due to excessive air conditioning, so considering going to the kitchen to make a sugar free hot cocoa.

2:23 p.m.

HORRORS. There is only regular hot cocoa and not sugar free hot cocoa in the kitchen! That screws up my entire program / itinerary for the afternoon of entertaining myself at work. What hot beverage can I consume that will satiate my craving for chocolate and warmth? I am going to sit quietly for a few minutes to determine my next move.....

2:25 p.m.

The only possible solution to this is to investigate other floors' supplies of sugar free hot cocoa. I can taste it on my lips, smell it under my nose, OH GODS OF SUGAR FREE HOT COCOA, ANSWER MY PRAYERS........

2:33 p.m.

The internal beverage struggle I've endured for the past several minutes is over. The floor above me had an overflowing supply of sugar free hot cocoa. yummmmm. Now am struggling listening to my cubicle neighbor hum along to the music she is listening to on her iPod. Which I can't hear, but it sounds as though she is listening to a song that has two notes in it, as those are the only ones she is singing. This is more infuriating than the egg salad sandwich I had an hour ago. This moment has completely spoiled the joy of my beverage.....

2:37 p.m.

Wow. It's been an hour since I started my Wog. Time has flown. I hope we are all having fun with this?

2:40 p.m.

Am craving a smore.

2:45 p.m.

Try to imagine the sound a cat makes when it's about to get into a fight. That low weird moaning sound you often hear in the middle of the night during summer? That's what my annoying humming cubicle neighbor sounds like.

2:50 p.m.

I am equating this afternoon to being on a long and boring flight, with nothing to read, and no movie because the AV system on the plane has broken. Which happened to me once.

Just. SO. BOREDDDD......

2:55 p.m.

I have decided to microwave my sugar free hot cocoa a bit and head downstairs for a snack. It's best if I walk away from incessant humming lest I become enraged again as I did with the sandwich debacle, and none of us want to see that again......

Please standby whilst I enjoy my snack and hot beverage.

3:20 p.m. I've returned from my snack retrieval mission. I was torn between the 100 calorie Chips Ahoy's and the Gummy Fruit Snacks that claimed they were made with real fruit juice. I gambled a bit and got the fruit snacks thinking they were the healthier option, only to discover that they too, were 100 calories. I should've gotten the cookies which would've paired much better with the cocoa. Stopped in the ladies room to wash and sanitize my hands (still fighting Swine Flu!) and overheard a woman having a discussion about 'putting the cells on ice'. She sounded smart. Also, I neglected to mention that I saw my fave security guard down at the vending machine. His name is Jim but I call him "Manifesto" behind his back, because his picture in our corporate directory looks like one of those pics Time or Newsweek publishes of people who have died in plane crashes. This is him, except, mind you, this photo of him is clearly from 25 years ago:

See what I mean....

3:40 p.m. Something strange is going on with my blog format. I can't get to the next line anymore w/o it skipping like three lines, so now have to just start writing on the same line as my reported time. I am sure you've noticed.

4:03 p.m. Less than 45 minutes to go. Oh, yes. Didn't I tell you? I am leaving 15 minutes early today. Got some work in. Emailed a caterer my signature. Hope she doesn't use it to authorize anything I didn't actually authorize.

4:18 p.m. Half hour to go! Then it's puppy play time at home / cleaning / laundry. Actually.....I don't want to clean or do laundry. Now my day of boredom is looking better than going home. Crap.

4:30 p.m. Last Wog entry. Am packing up and heading out. Boyfriend is going to be here soon and I still have to prepare my desk for Monday! A day in which I will not be ordering an egg salad sandwich!

Real Houswives of NY Season Finale

Woe is me. The Real Housewives of NY has ended their second season on Bravo, leaving me filled with anguish and desparation. However, I must tell you that there is light at the end of the tunnel.....make that the LINCOLN TUNNEL because we's goin to Jersey baby!!! Next week the Real Housewives of New Jersey makes it's premier, replacing the ladies from NY. Kudos to Bravo for grouping each Real Housewives assemblage back to back.....n'er are we ever to do without. What a travesty that would be!!

The Season Finale of RHoNY ended with a only a little bit of a bang. Mostly the story surrounded Jill's charity event for 'Creaky Joints', a peculiar organization which raises money to cure juvenile arthritis. The logo for Creaky Joints is written in 'bone font', which I found to be horrifying and mildly offensive. The mission is to cure children with this affliction, not make it cutesy wutesy. Using that bizarre bone font sends this message:

See my point?

Anyway, all the ladies were involved in this event as co-chairs, so we got a nice dose of each and every one of them. Onto the photo recap:

Bethenny: This is hilah-rious. I'm a Jew representing Morocco, what do I know about Morocco, nothing that's what, oh God shoot me, kill me now.

Jill: Just shut up and smile.

Bethenny: I am smiling
Jill: "I am smiling" she says. Please. Stop complaining. You look beautiful just be quiet and enjoy yourself I need a diet coke I want a diet coke.

Jill: Bethenny you look beautiful but UGH all that bronzer!! OY VAY!!

Bethenny: Someone Bensimone'd me.

Luann: All that bronzer is fine here my darling but completely unacceptable at the Cancer Society.

Ramona: Bronzer is declasse, that's what it is, declasse, it's declasse!

Bethenny: When I marry A-Rod this is what I'm wearing

Bethenny: A-Rod loves it when I dress up like Princess Jasmine

Jill: Hey Kelly did you hear that Bethenny is dating a model?

Kelly: ..............................

Jill: A French Model

Kelly: ...................................

Jill: Who's also a photographer....

Jill: Just sayin.........

Jill: Who here wants to teach Allie about sex? Or Drugs. Doesn't matter. Sex or drugs. You pick.

Luann: So who broke the news to Kelly that Bethenny is dating a model?

Kelly: .....................................

Ramona: He's touching me! He's touching me! The energy is very bad! I am annoyed! I find this annoying!

Simon: Do you love my pants. I got them at the most amazing designer in Queens, right on Queen's Boulevard, where the Long Island Expressway overpasses. Amazing designer. Not known to anybody. Her shop is above the Popeye's there. Incredible.




There you have it. Tuesday night is the REUNION! Luann cries. Kelly cries. Ramona's eyes bug out of her head. Jill shakes her head a lot and grinds her teeth. Alex shrugs and smiles. Bethenny asks "what are you talking about" a lot. Should be great!