Dancing With The Stars, Episode 1 Photo Recap

Attempting an ocho-sink to the flo. Fail.
Me thinks Brenda Walsh sprang a leak here....

Hi. I'm Erin Andrews. I don't like it when men peep at me. Hence the barely-there dress I've chosen.

Errrinnnnn......I'mmmm wwaaaatttccchingggg yooouuuuu

I miss ice.

I'm a tool.

Hero=No Jokes Needed Here. Plus he's 80. GO BUZZ GO!

And I was like, bitch PLLLLEAASSSSE and she was all OH NO YOU DI'INT and I was all HMM HHHMMMMM butyoudidnthearitfromME.

Professional Dancer on an amateur dance contest alert!

I refuse to point my toes not because I am difficult but because I like to pretend I am kicking Jon in his Plus 8 baby maker.

Everything but penetration is going on here.

This Reminds Me: I Need A Pedicure Badly

Just Sayin.

The Olympics Are Over

I have been utterly consumed by the Olympics the past 14 days and have decided to add a gold medal to my list of things to win (that's #2, #1 is an Oscar). I discussed this with my friend Adrienne and we have decided to pursue the 2 Man Bobsled event. It's the only one we can start training for now and still be able to drink heavily and eat whatever we want. So look for us in 2014, we will be in a sled appropriately named The Pussy Wagon. GO USA!!

In addition to pursuing my new sport of choice, I have also done some thinking about certain events, things that could make them more interesting, and new events that could be added to the games. They are as follows:

A) While watching the Biathlon with my family one afternoon, we decided that it would be a lot more interesting if the skiers were being shot at instead of doing the shooting. Obvs they would be hit with paint bullets instead of real ones. It would make that sport a real nail biter!

B) Best Dressed Contests. Johnny Weir and the Norwegian Curling Team totally get it. Points should be added for things like fancy pants or for wearing a corset and lip gloss in a men's event. I am sorry, but credit was not given where credit was due.

C) Dizzy Izzy Speed Skating. You know what speed skating is, and dizzy izzy is a game where you have to run fast to a target, take a broomstick, raise it in the air and then spin around and around really fast for 30 seconds while maintaining focus on the broomsticks highest point. Immediately after this is completed your mission is to run to another target as fast as you can while trying to keep in a straight line. It's impossible, and they should do that in speed skating.

D) Hide and Go Seek. This version would be held in an outdoor arena similar to that of a cross country skiing course, only a lot smaller. I can hear Bob Costas' voice saying "Now we take you over to the Hide and Go Seek Arena where the drama continues to unfold as the Norwegians have been hiding from the Canadians for 35 straight minutes."

What do you think?

7th? I am ASHAMED

I just took a 'How Well Do You Know The Oscars' quiz on boston.com and lets just say I know them pretty well. Well enough to have my name PUBLISHED on the site as a top scorer!! I am practically famous because of this!

So maybe I didn't beat Kevin B. from Quincy who practically doubled my score but still, I did well, and this was a timed quiz so there was no way to cheat. Oscars are just 10 days away!!! I CANNOT WAIT!

Jam On It: A Sticky Subject?

The other day I was watching Barefoot Contessa (starring my favorite nervous giggler slash chef Ina Garten) and she was making a dish (no doubt for her gays: Miguel, Frank, Stephen and TR) that required Apricot Jelly. All of a sudden, she throws out the option to use Apricot JAM if you can't find Apricot JELLY!

At that moment, at that very moment, I had the revelation that for my 37 years and 3 months of living, I have never ever realized there is a difference between Jam and Jelly. Which got me thinking that this is something that should be researched immediately because you know and I know that you have secretly always wondered what the big friggin' difference was, but were too afraid to ask and does it matter because you always buy whatever is on sale or Smuckers anyway???

So, here you go.

Jelly, Jam and Preserves are all made from fruit mixed with sugar and pectin. The difference between them comes in the form that the fruit takes. Specifically, the fruit in jelly comes in the form of fruit juice. Jam, on the other hand, uses fruit pulp or crushed fruit, which explains why it's "less stiff" than jelly. Finally, in fancy-pants Preserves, the fruit comes in syrup-laden chunks.

And all my life I thought Marmalade was just Jelly that was made in England instead of the Smucker's plant here in the states. WRONG. Marmalade is a citrus-based preserve, containing the rind.

So besides having to thank Ina for her Sole Meuniere and her Gratin and her expressions like "How bad can THAT be?!" or "Don't have fun without me!" and of course her entourage of gays (she doesn't have any other friends, although I question TR's intentions with Ina, I really do but that's another blog), I have this to thank her for too.