Botox, Boobies & Black Amex Cards

The Real Housewives of Orange County are back! It is both regretable and happily refreshing to see Lauri, Jeana, Tamra, and Vicki again. Strangely enough these women look like Rhodes Scholars compared to the ladies of the ATL, and I'm speaking specifically to you, Kim, who in the wise words of Chardo-NeNe, "says you're Twwentyyyyyy Naaaannnn but you're really Egghhttyyy Naaaaannnn....."

The first episode of Season IV opened with Vicki meeting with a yacht broker. Using my detective skills, I deducted that this yacht broker isn't legit, as he lets Vicki tour the 'yacht' in her spiked high heel strappy Jimmy Choo's. No 'yacht' broker would ever allow that, you always have to remove your shoes. Go ahead, call me Watson! And, he points out that the boat has a programmable GPS so you just type in where you want it to go and it drives itself. I think this guy is a temp. That said, he encourages Vicki to drown herself (pun fully intended) in as much charddonay as is physically possible for one woman to consume whilst out 'yachting'. Which brings me to my next point, Vicki continually says 'yacht' over and over again, but this was really just a big boat. Granted it had a washer and dryer in it but so does my house and that doesn't make my house a yacht. The big boat was a cool one mill, but, according to the broker who doesn't know a damn thing about boats, he'll sell it to her for $950,000, but that's no biggie, because she is planning on sneaking in under the radar and selling her husband Donn's beloved special weekend home in Lake Havasu that he adores but that she hates. She also hates her husband, clearly, but she loves her spoiled and chinless children, Michael and Briana, who have moved home for the summer and continually call their mother 'Spaz'. True dat.

Next, we see Jeana, the token brunette, who is my fave of all the gated Coto women. Jeana is fake, but she's at least honest about it. There is no denying the work she has had done and she's not embarassed to admit it. She has spent a lot of money to make her boobs look and feel real dammit!! Jeana has finally seperated from her husband Matt, who is an alcoholic degenerate grade A punk, and whom she married in the 80's because he played pro baseball and looked like Tom Selleck. See, she's honest!! Well now they loathe the sight of each other, and she is reclaiming her life and redecorating, which entails removing lots of 80's pop art that is a hommage to herself, and a velvet painting of a moose that hangs in her den, of which I was shocked to see in a SoCal home. Vermont, yes, Coto, no.

Next we see Tamra, who is the self-proclaimed 'hottest housewife' in Orange County. I think she's just a'ight. Noticeably different in Tamra is her gigantic boobs. Last season she had her implants removed because they were too big but guess what, they're back. She claims it's just PMS but bitch please, that nevs happs to my melons. Tamra is taking her newly divorced Mom (and by newly I mean 15 years ago) to the Plastic Surgeon, so that Mom can get a makeover, the goal being to find a rich husband with hopeful new face. The Doctor claims that she will look 15 years younger, which worries Tamra that her own Mother will be her competition, and which worries me because when she was 15 years younger she was actually going through the divorce so doesn't that mean she will revisit painful memories, looking the same way she did when the divorce happened?!? And maybe the divorce happened because of the way she looked 15 years ago? I sense Tamra is actually sabotaging her own Mom so that no one will be as 'hot' as her. And my senses are confirmed when Tamra takes the focus off of dear old Mom and puts it back on herself, jumping on the table for a quick Botox treatment while giddily announcing she can't help herself, the Plastic Surgeon's office is like a candy store for her. I am grateful that candy store's are like candy store's for me.

And finally, we meet up again with newlywed Lauri, who is still trying to convince all of us and herself that she is so madly in love with George regardless of his billions. We join them over lunch at The St. Regis, where discussion of possible belated honeymoon spots are discussed, and the word 'babe' is said more times than I can count, except it's pronounced 'BEB'. Beb suggests a honeymoon in Dubai, but Lauri thinks that would only be good for a stop over to do some shopping. Beb then suggests Richard Branson's Necker Island, sounding like he knows Richard personally, and Lauri buys it tooth and nail. 'Call him' she says. And typical Beb, just nods and swallows, just as he does when Lauri suddenly asks, "Do you still love me, beb?" Awwwkkkwwwaarrrdddd.

And finally, we are introduced to the NKOTB, Gretchen Rossi, a gold-digging 30 year old engaged to a dying 110 year old man named Jeff. Jeff is AH-LOOOOAAADED and admittedly not at all Gretchen's type, but he's nice to her and buys her lots of Chanel and diamonds so she loves him. ((Spoiler Alert: Jeff died in September. I found his obit on line, Gretchen is mentioned as his 'companion'. Ohhh SLAP!)) Gretchen and Jeana are friends from the Real Estate Industry, and everyone is A) worried that Gretchen will take over the crown of hottest housewife from Tamra, and B)in a tizzy over how she claims her boobs are real. Jeana bets her $8,000 that they aren't, but Gretch swears they are and asks Jeana to feel them. All of this at a home 'boutique' party Jeana is hosting. These ladies are so rich the boutique comes to them. It's a lot of Roberto Cavalli dresses in animal prints all for either $800 or $1200. Visibly noticeable is a tremendous lack of 'She by Sheray' garments. Also noticeable is a quick in-the-background-cameo by Quinn, from Season III, except the producers have not allowed her to speak and I think at one point shoved her in a closet to keep her out of the shot. Lauri has selected a few garments and plops down her black American Express card of which a minimum annual spending of $250,000 is required to have one, and, announces loudly that she is using her black American Express card of which a minimum annual spending of $250,000 is required to have one.

Well there you have it, never a dull moment in Coto and we are only at Episode 1! Episode 2 airs tonight, I cannot wait. I promise not to wait a week to blog about it.